STAR TORS!!

[Snigtad Flornbi]

I WINT 2 DIZKNEELAND WITH DEL THE UTHER DAY, WE RODE THE NEW STAR TORS. IT IS SUPOSED 2 B BAISED ON A SHOW OR SUMTHING. IT WAS KEWL, THEIR WAS A GAY ROBAT NAMED C-PPO, HE FLEW ARE SHIP WITH RU-812. WE WINT 2 HOTH, IT WAS COLD + MY TITIES GOT HARD. THEN WE WENT SUMWHERE ELSE WHEN THIS FUCKIN GAY GREEN ELF FROM LORD OF THE RINGTONES SHOWED UP, THIS GAY GUY NAMED BOBY FAT SHOWED UP, THEN + TIS IS SO FUCKIN KEWL, THIS DUDE WHO WERKED THEIR WHO WAS WARING A BOBY FAT COSTUME WALKED IN AND HE FUCKED THIS DUDE IN THE FRUNT ROW IN THE BUT. NORMELLY I WOOD SAY GROSS BUT IT WAS BONER MAZO'S NAYBER WHO IS A ANOYING GAY FAG SO WE LAFFED WHILE HE WAS CRYING.

WHEN WE GOT OFF THE RIDE THEY'RE WERE KOPS THERE WATING, I DONT NO WHY BUTT I DONT THANK THEY WER PART OF THE RYDE.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Hmmm...that sounds exactly like the show the local Elementary School put on for their Thanksgiving Pageant last year.

[anarky]

That sounds remarkably similar to my experience on Star Tours. Minus the Mandalorean ass-abuse.

[bIZZARO tHE gRIP]

oH HO HO! sENIOR ANARKY! yOU NO ETELL ZEE COMPLETE TRUTH, NO? zEE DIA YOU ECAME TO ESTREALLA TOURS, aH WAS DRESSED AS jAR jAR bINKS AND aH MADE PARKED MI BONGO SUB EN TU GUNGAN CITY. eET WAS UN TIGHT FIT, BUT EET DID ZEE JOB.

[anarky]

I went back to Disneyland on Friday, and the lines for Star Tours have slowed remarkably now that the ride's a year old and Cars Land just opened. It's now possible to get on within an hour, and they have FastPasses (they're no longer gone within an hour of opening).

So, on my latest trip, I got my FastPass and went back to ride. For those of you not familiar, the FastPass bypasses most of the line and then combines with the regular flow of traffic. The park employee took my pass and sent me into the line. As I was watching the screen they have with silhouettes of various SW characters supposedly walking by, I became conscious of someone behind me, breathing hard and smelling of pickles. Then a nasal voice yelled, "God damn it, it smells gay in here!"

I turned around and there was this extremely ugly boy with lots of acne, who limped slightly, as if he were buttfucked constantly by a well-hung uncle. I asked him, "And how, pray tell, does gay smell?"

He smiled the smile of an idiot who thinks he's clever, pointed at me, and yelled, "It smells like you!!" Then he doubled over with laughter. The equally fugly kid with him also started laughing, and said, "Ooh, you got that bitch good!"

I rolled my eyes and turned back around. I was able to ignore the two kids acting like idiots, and the employee at the turnstile sent us to different ships.

But the two kids came to my ship, anyway! A woman who worked there said, "Sirs, this Starspeeder will be at capacity, and I believe you were likely meant to be sent to Row 1 of Starspeeder 7."

The first kid started snorting--really, snorting like he was a fucking water buffalo--and said, "Shut up, lady, you can't tell me what to do! I will kick you in the nuts if you try!!" She seemed taken aback, but two older women in my row said they didn't want to be around such filth and offered to move to the other Starspeeder. The two kids got in line behind me, and the employee shrugged, like, "Eh, what you gonna do?"

The two brats started making fun of the preflight video. "Ha ha ha, that robot is so fucking gay! I bet he's going to have sex with that other robots!" "You know he's going to, they are going to suck each other's dicks!" "Robots don't have dicks." "Yes, they do. Everyone has dicks!" "Well, they're not wearing clothes, so where are their dicks?" "Stupid! The metal is their clothes, you take off the metal and they're people like us!" "What about the little round one who beeps?" "He's Mexican, dumbass!"

After two minutes that seemed like an eternity, the doors opened, and we boarded. An employee inside read the little pre-ride script, while the two boys kept telling her she was so hot and they'd be glad to suck her dick. She looked at them funny, and left for the ride to begin.

The screen slid down, and there was our pilot, C-3PO. The kid on the right laughed at the "gay robot" and flipped a big booger right on his forehead. Being an animatronic, C-3PO did not notice, and they both laughed until Darth Vader appeared. "Holy shit, there's a black guy! There's a black guy!!" An actual black guy in the back yelled for them to keep it down, and one of them turned and yelled back, "Ah-so! Watermelon run out, honky?" If the seatbelts weren't locked, I know the guy would've jumped over a few rows and beat his ass.

We made our escape from Darth Vader, and one of the kids threw up. It was very white and creamy, and had an odd, almost bleachy, smell. This shut them both up for a few moments, until one of them began loudly typing on his phone. A woman told him to be quiet, and he yelled, "I am not texting you! I am texting the ladies, you faggot!" The woman pointed out she was a woman, and he said, "Yeah, but you're a gay woman!! Gross!!"

The ride ended--I think prematurely--and the doors swung open. Two police officers and a huge man in a Darth Vader outfit were waiting outside. The officers told everyone, "Please continue to our lovely gift shop, where you can purchase many wonderful Star Wars toys. There is nothing else to see here." The last thing I saw was Vader sticking his lightsaber up one of their asses, and saying, "That ought to burn you good, bitch."

[Negative Boy]

I heard Disney was making a movie or something based on that stupid Star Tours ride, just like they did with that lameass Pirates ride. I bet it sucks and doesn't make any money. I'd rather watch a western starring cats than sit through a stupid Star Tours movie.

[Rollo Tomathi]

The last thing I saw was Vader sticking his lightsaber up one of their asses, and saying, "That ought to burn you good, bitch."

That wasn't my lightsaber, sweetums!