since we're all friends here, you should know

[Zaphod]

there's something that happened when i was a kid that disturbed me and has bothered me since.

when i was six, my parents divorced. i had to live with my dad, since my mom left the state, but mom gave me a scooby-doo stuffed animal when she left. i treasured that scooby-doo like no child has ever treasured a toy before. i took it everywhere. my father kept telling me to get rid of it after it got all dirty and nasty, but i refused to.

meanwhile, my father spent a lot of time watching pornos. he didn't know i knew. he kept it secret. but i'd sneak downstairs and find him watching some pretty sick shit. stuff like guys and dogs, cartoon characters fucking, etc. i never saw it, but i could hear it.

one day, i couldn't find scooby-doo. i looked for him all day, and fell asleep in my room. i woke up in the middle of the night to hear some sort of pounding noise coming from the kitchen. i crept downstairs, silently, and snuck up to the kitchen door. i opened it just a smidge to find....

...my dad making me a birthday cake!!

what, did you sick fuckers think my dad was going to be fucking my beloved scooby-doo? no, i found him the next day; i'd left him in the shed on accident. jesus fucking christ, you guys are twisted assholes to think that sort of shit about my day.

[jjreason]

I wish your mom had been into oral sex, both for your father's pleasure & for the fact that it might have prevented you from being born and hence making me dumber with your stupid fucking posts. Eat a dick.

[anarky]

Hmmmm....

Anyone else thinking that sounds like a really importent storey?

[Zaphod]

i will not eat a dick, reason.

i know you're just telling me to do that so you can say "hey! stop eating my food!"

[Jargo]

Whatevah!

[Double Gs Daddy]

ZAPHOD, YOU REMIND ME OF MY OWN BOY.
BEFORE HE DONE RUN OFF TO WHATEVER HEATHEN LIFESTYLE HE CHOSE. WITH LOOSE WOMEN AND DRUGS AND COLLEGE BOOK LEARNIN' AND SUCH. TAINT NO GOOD'LL COME OF IT AN HE WORRIES HIS POOR MOTHER SO.
WE ENT HEARD FROM THAT NO GOOD LITTLE SACK O SHIT IN YEARS. I ASK YA, WHAT KIND A SISSY CAN'T TAKE A BACKHAND FROM HIS DADDY EVER ONCE IN AWHILE? AN HE HAD IT COMIN! WITH ALL THAT LIBERAL SHIT SPEWING FROM HIS MOUTH AT THE DINNER TABLE. I WON'T HAVE IT IN MY HOUSE DAMMIT. I WON'T.

[Jargo]

Whatevah Moby dickhead. Probly trapped under yer belly roll.