THE DAILY DOSE OF DOUCHE FULFILLED!!

[Rob Liefeld]

THESE ARE THE REAL RULES, NOT THOSE POSTED BY THAT PUTZ ZAPHOD!!

NOW THAT I AM KING OF THE WORLD, I SET INTO MOTION ALL THE RULES SNIGTAD FLORNBI PROMISED I WOULD!!

ALL MUSIC WILL NOW BE EMO, AND EVERYONE WILL HAVE TO LISTEN TO EMO ALL DAY!!

EVERYONE WILL HAVE PEELED JALAPENO PEPPERS SHOVED INTO THEIR ASSHOLES EVERY MORNING!!

EVERYONE WILL HAVE TO SUCK SNIGTAD FLORNBI'S BALLS EVERY DAY! ESPECIALLY KIDHUMAN!!

THERE WILL BE A CLONE OF RYAN SEACREST IN EVERY HOME, AND HE WILL FRENCH KISS EVERYONE EVERY MORNING!!

SNIGTAD FLORNBI WILL KICK ROGUE II IN HIS TINY LITTLE NUTS!!

FUCK YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS, KIDHUMAN!!

ALL THE TV'S IN THE WORLD WILL PLAY HOWARD THE DUCK OVER AND OVER, AND EVERYONE WILL HAVE TO WATCH THE GUY FROM FERRIS BUELLER PRETEND TO BE AN EVIL ALIEN!! AND IF ANYONE TRIES TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL, THE CHANNEL WILL NOT CHANGE BUT A FAT GUY NAMED RALPH WILL JUMP INTO YOUR WINDOW AND BUTTFUCK YOU THERE ON THE COUCH!!

YOU CAN ALL LICK SNIGTAD FLORNBI'S ASS!!

COFFEE WILL BE BANNED!! EVERYONE WILL HAVE TO WAKE UP EARLY AND NOT HAVE COFFEE TO DRINK AND WILL BE PISSED OFF ALL DAY!! (BUT THEY WILL WAKE UP FOR SURE WHEN THE RYAN SEACREST CLONE KISSES THEM AND SHOVES A PEPPER UP THEIR ASS!!)

ROB LIEFELD WILL KICK EVERYONE IN THE NUTS... WHICH I GUESS MEANS I WILL KICK EVERYONE IN THE NUTS!! THIS JOB ROCKS!!

I WILL CLONE DINOSAURS BECAUSE THEY ARE COOL!! AND I WILL TRAIN THE DINOSAURS TO GO AROUND TOWN IN VOLKSWAGEN BEETLES AND LAUGH AT STUPID PEOPLE AND KICK THEM IN THE NUTS!! THEN THE DINOSAURS WILL GO BACK HOME AND WATCH AMERICAN IDOL AND LAUGH AT THE DUMBASSES ON THAT SHOW!!

THOSE GUYS WHO CALL THEMSELVES "JAYSOOS" BUT SPELL IT "JESUS" WILL HAVE TO WEAR THOSE FUNNY SKIRTS THAT SCOTTISH PEOPLE WEAR!! BECAUSE THERE IS ONLY ONE JESUS, AND HE WILL KICK YOUR NUTS FOR STEALING HIS NAME!!

THERE WILL BE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE CALLED THE CHEESE POLICE!! THE CHEESE POLICE WILL BE LED BY A GRIZZLY BEAR NAMED BRUNO, WHO RIDES A UNICYCLE!! BRUNO AND THE CHEESE POLICE WILL DRIVE AROUND TOWN AND FIND PEOPLE WHO ARE EATING CHEESE WITHOUT A LICENSE, WHICH WILL BE EVERYONE BECAUSE THERE WILL BE NO LICENSES!! AND THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THROWN IN JAIL WITH PEDOPHILES AND WILL HAVE TO DRESS UP LIKE GIRLS AND SING BRITNEY SPEARS SONGS ON TV DURING COMMERCIAL BREAKS WHILE EVERYONE ELSE WATCHES HOWARD THE DUCK SINCE IT IS THE ONLY THING ON TV!!

ALL RESTAURANTS WILL HAVE HEALTHIER MENUS!! THERE WILL BE LESS FATTY FOOD AND MORE SALADS!! BUT EVERYONE WILL BE SURPRISED WHEN THEY GO INTO JACK IN THE BOX AND ORDER A TOSSED SALAD AND THEN JACK WALKS OUT FROM THE BACK AND DROPS HIS PANTS!!

I WILL GO TO EVERYONE'S HOUSE AND GIVE THEM AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH!! BUT IT WILL REALLY NOT BE ICE CREAM, OH NO; IT WILL BE FROZEN SHIT ON A BUN!! AND EVERYONE WILL EAT IT AND SAY, "OH, YUMMY, DOCTOR DOUCHE, THIS IS A GOOD ICE CREAM SANDWICH!!" AND I WILL SAY, "HA HA, YOU DUMB SHIT!! THAT IS POO!!"

I WILL CHANGE THE AUTOCENSOR AND ALL WORDS WILL BE "RAPE" AND "DEADEYE."

CARROT TOP WILL BE THE SECRETARY OF STATE!! SO WHEN ANYONE CALLS THE WHITE HOUSE TO COMPLAIN, THEY WILL HAVE TO TALK TO CARROT TOP AND WILL HANG UP!! AND I WILL RULE FOREVER BECAUSE NO ONE WILL WANT TO DEAL WITH MY SECRETARY!!

I WILL GIVE EVERYONE AN R2-D2 ROBOT!! AND EVERYONE WILL BE HAPPY... UNTIL THEY WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND THE R2-D2 IS ON THE BED, FUCKING THEM UP THE ASSHOLE!!

I AM GOING TO BRING BACK DEADWOOD, BUT ONLY FOR ME TO SEE NEW ONES!! OF COURSE, EVERYONE ELSE WILL BE WATCHING HOWARD THE DUCK ALL DAY LONG!!

I WILL TAKE OVER MARVEL COMICS, AND I WILL MAKE ALL THE HEROES GAY LIKE THEY ARE!! AND, FIRST ISSUE, SPIDER-MAN WILL BUTTFUCK CAPTAIN AMERICA AND EVERYONE WILL BE PISSED!!

THERE WILL BE NO PORT-A-POTTIES!! EVERYONE WILL HAVE TO "HOLD IT" AT THE FAIR!! AND THEY WILL SHIT THEIR PANTS, AND THE BEARDED LADY WILL KICK THEM IN THE NUTS AND MAKE THEM SUCK HER NUTS AND THEY WILL LIKE IT BECAUSE THEY ARE FAGGOTS WHO SHIT THEIR PANTS!!

SNIGTAD FLORNBI IS GOING TO FUCK ALL YOUR MOTHERS!!

EVERY DAY WILL BE GROUNDHOG DAY!! GROUNDHOGS CAN DO WHAT THE FUCK EVER THEY WANT ON GROUNDHOG DAY!! AND GROUNDHOGS WILL ALL BE GENETICALLY ALTERED SO THAT THEY HAVE HUGE DICKS AND ARE HORNY ALL THE TIME AND BUTTFUCK DUMBASSES LIKE JJREASON AND ANTROPOV!!

EVERYONE WILL GET COAL IN THEIR STOCKINGS!! AND KIDHUMAN WILL WAKE UP AND SAY, "I AM NOT YUPPIE SCUM!! WHY DID I GET COAL!!" AND HE WILL CALL JJREASON, WHO WILL HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE TUB WITH A BUNCH OF LITTLE KIDS, AND THEY WILL FIND SLICKER AND THEY WILL ALL GO AROUND BEATING UP WHITE WOMEN!! AND THEN THE COPS WILL ARREST THEM AND THEY WILL BE PUT IN JAIL IN THE SAME CELL AS THAT GUY FROM THAT OLD MOVIE, WHO WILL KICK ALL THEIR ASSES!!

I WILL CLONE SUGAR HONEY!! AND THEN ANYONE WHO PISSES ME OFF WILL HAVE THEIR BRAINS SWAPPED INTO A SUGAR HONEY BODY!! (WE'LL SEE HOW SMARTASS KIDHUMAN WILL BE WHEN HE WAKES UP AND FINDS OUT HE'S A BLACK HOOKER IN BED WITH ROBERT DOWNEY, JR!!)

ALL FOOD WILL BE BEANS!! AND I WILL PASS A "NO-FART" LAW!! IF YOU FART, YOU GET THE CHAIR!! IT WILL BE FUN TO WATCH ALL THE MOTHERFUCKERS WALKING AROUND, CONSTIPATED BECAUSE THEY CANNOT FART!!

THERE WILL BE KITTENS EVERYWHERE!! AND EVERYONE WILL THINK THE KITTENS ARE CUTE!! BUT THEY WILL REALLY BE CLONES OF AL ROKER AND WILL ANNOY EVERYONE TO DEATH!! BUT NO ONE CAN KILL THE KITTENS, BECAUSE THEN GOD WILL MASTURBATE ON YOU!!

I WILL KILL ALL THE BEARS, EXCEPT FOR THE CHEESE POLICE, WHO ARE PANDA BEARS!! OF COURSE, I WILL NOT KILL THEM!! AND WHEN ANYONE ASKS WHERE THE BEARS ALL WENT, I WILL MOON THEM!! AND IF THEY SAY, "THAT IS GROSS," THEY WILL GO TO JAIL BECAUSE INSULTING MY FINE ASS WILL BE THE WORST CRIME ONE CAN COMMIT!!

I WILL SET UP A COMMITTEE TO INVESTIGATE COW FARTS, BECAUSE COW FARTS STINK!! THEN I WILL HIRE THE COWS TO WALK AROUND AND FART IN EVERYONE'S FOOD, BECAUSE WHO WILL WANT TO EAT FOOD THAT A COW FARTED IN!!

I WILL SELL SLICKER TO MEXICAN SLAVE TRADERS, AND HE WILL BE PUT TO WORK IN THE TACO FACTORIES!! SLICKER WILL HAVE TO WORK ALL DAY AND NIGHT, AND WILL ONLY GET A 15-MINUTE BREAK, ON WHICH HE WILL BE BUTTFUCKED BY EVERYONE ELSE IN MEXICO!! AFTER A TRIAL PERIOD, I WILL SELL THE REST OF YOU BECAUSE I FIND THIS AMUSING!!

HOMELESS MAN WILL BE MADE THE CHIEF OF ALL POLICE!! THIS MAY NOT SEEM SCARY TO MANY, BUT IF YOU ARE JJREASON, HOMELESS MAN WILL BE YOUR BOSS!!

I WILL PISS IN EVERYONE'S CORN FLAKES!! NO WARNING AT ALL; I'LL JUST SHOW UP AND WALK IN YOUR DOOR AND PEE IN THEM AS YOU EAT!! AND THEN, BEING KING, I SHALL DECREE THAT YOU MUST EAT THEM ALL UP!! AND IF YOU DON'T, IT'S THE DUNGEON, PUSSY BOY!!

EVERYONE WHO PISSES ME OFF WILL HAVE THEIR GENITALS TAKEN OFF AND SEWN TO THEIR HEADS, MAKING THEM REAL FUCKHEADS!!

THE LION WILL LAY DOWN WITH THE LAMB, AND THAT LITTLE LAMB IS GETTING THE FUCKING OF ITS LIFE!!

EVERYONE WILL HAVE TO PLAY "SIMON SAYS" AT THE DMV, POST OFFICE, AND ANYWHERE ELSE THEY HAVE TO GO!! NO ONE CAN MOVE IN LINE UNLESS SOMEONE SAYS "SIMON SAYS" OR THEY WILL BE ARRESTED AND EXPERIMENTAL SURGERY WILL BE CONDUCTED ON THEM TO SWITCH THEIR FACES AND BUTTS!! AND THEN THEY WILL BE BUTTHEADS!! OTHER PEOPLE WILL BE CONFUSED WHEN THEY WANT TO HAVE GAY SEX WITH THEM AND WILL NOT KNOW WHETHER TO FUCK THEIR BUTT-HEADS OR THEIR HEAD-BUTTS!! SO THEY WILL BE FUCKED IN BOTH!!

SO QUEEFS--I mean, should I look down and say it?

[Ran]

You don't really expect anyone to read that post, do you?

[Jargo]

How much is it to get to Mexico?

[Slicker]

Who the hell is that Rogue II guy they were talking about?

[Zaphod]

BAH!! AMATEUR!!

YOU CAN'T EVEN COME UP WITH YOUR OWN RULES AND HAVE TO USE A HALF-WIT TO DEVELOP YOUR RULES!! AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DEAL WITH EVERYTHING ENDING WITH SOMEONE GETTING ASSRAPED!! IS THIS A SECRET FANTASY YOU HAVE!!

SO QUEEFS DOUCHE!!

ALL HAIL DOUCHE!! O YES!!

[Ursa Major]

Your unjustified hatred toward bears will not go unnoticed. My people are far too mighty to fall before your poorly-drawn hands with one extra finger that sort of hover around enormous guns. I decree that the bears shall support some other Doctor Douche to rule the human population, a Doctor Douche who has never uttered an ultimately empty promise about exterminating all bears.

[Ursa Minor]

Gee Yogi, I don't know if the Ranger is going to like you making decrees.