Million Mustache March’ planned for April

[Newsbot]

Million Mustache March’ planned for April to encourage growth of facial hair (and the economy)

At long last, the mustache lobby is coming to Washington.

The American Mustache Institute (AMI) is planning a "Million Mustache March" on the nation's capital, part of an ongoing campaign to convince lawmakers to create government incentives to grow facial hair. Rally organizers plan to mobilize their mustache-wearing compatriots on April 1 at the White House and march to Capitol Hill.

Their rallying cry: Pass the "Stimulus To Allow Critical Hair Expenses," or STACHE Act, which would "provide a $250 annual tax deduction for expenditures on mustache grooming supplies." According to AMI research, mustached Americans earn 4.3 percent more money than "clean-shaven Americans" on average per yer. Therefore incentivising mustache growth would boost the economy.

"Given the clear link between the growing and maintenance of mustaches and incremental income, it appears clear that mustache maintenance costs qualify for and should be considered as a deductible expense related to the production of income under Internal Revenue Code Section 212," wrote Dr. John Yeutter, a tax policy professor at Northeastern State University, in a 2010 white paper supporting the legislation.

The subsidy, according to a 2010 proposal , would cover all products required for any proper mustache-wearing patriot, including:

-Mustache and beard trimming instruments
-Weightless conditioning agents and wax
-Facial hair coloring products (for men and women over 43 years of age)
-Bacon
-Mustache combs and mirrors
-Burt Reynolds wallet-sized photos

The campaign's backers have recruited celebrities to help support the cause, including guitarist John Oats, Ellie Kemper of "The Office" and Milwaukee Brewers pitcher John Axford. Each will produce videos to inspire mustached activists to support the STACHE Act. In total seriousness: The group has also secured a promise from H&R Block to donate a charity that provides clean drinking water for each person who participates in the march.

AMI members are planning a press conference Monday on Capitol Hill to outline the details of the initiative.

Personally, I'd rather see a bearded clam march. Demi Moore could lead the way.

[bIZZARO tHE gRIP]

¡oH HO HO! ¡uN MILLION MUSTACHE RIDES! ¡oH HO HO SÍ!

[Alex Trebek]

If the answer is "John Oats", then the question must have come from some old episode of the cancelled Rock and Roll Jeopardy. Who was the host of that show? Oh yeah, Jeff Probst. What a loser.

[Swedish Chef]

Urm sø excîtee!
Und I jüst cant hideë!
Urm aböot to lôse contöl
Und I thurnk më likėe!!!!


Yôo had më at der 'Bacon'

[Aunt Harriet]

No doubt, Mrs. Funtime will be at the front of the March.
Her mustache puts both Tom Selleck and Sam Elliot to shame.

That wax does nothing for you, Dearie. You look like a day player on a Mexican soap opera.

[Kup]

I DON'T HAVE A MUSTACHE. MOST TRANSFORMERS DON'T. THERE WAS THIS KID, THOUGH, WHO WAS A FRESHMAN WHEN I WAS A SENIOR WHO GREW A DOOZY OF A MUSTACHE. NAME WAS ALPHA TRION. WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT YOUNGSTER? ALWAYS SKETCHING FASHION DESIGNS; TOLD THIS KID I USED TO BABYSIT THAT HE WANTED TO "MAKE HIM OVER." I CALLED THE COPS ON THAT BASTARD. COULDN'T LET NOTHING HAPPEN TO LITTLE ORION PAX, YOU KNOW.

[Grover Cleveland]

A smashing idea for a March, wot! I'd wager John T. Morgan will oppose just to be a snit.

A million seems a bit tosh though. I don't believe there are a million people on the planet. Certainly not a million hirsute gentlemen.

Harrumph!!

[Abraham Lincoln]

In 1860, when eleven year old Grace Bedell sent me a letter, I decided to grow a beard. Seven score and seven years after my death, I still have no whiskers on my lip.

[Inigo Montoya]

Jou are all pronouncing ze word 'mustache' incorrectly. (except for bizarro). I do not think it is pronounced how jou think it is pronounced.

It is no MUS-tash.

It is moo-STOSH.

[The Tick]

I had a mustache once. It was a new sensation that spread out from my upper lip to the rest of my body. It gave me a saavy kind of feeling. A suave kind of feeling. A MUSTACHE FEELING!

It turned out the mustache was in love with a beard. That's cool. The mustache was cool. But, it didn't make me cool. I may have lost my mustache, but I gained....um...I haven't gained a thing.