the vynsane asylum

Periodically, I get subscription offers to Essence magazine. I got one such offer today. Here's some excerpts from the letter:

"Dear Mr [Anarky],

We know you. You're the kind of woman who embraces every joyous moment that comes your way.... Because you're an ESSENCE kind of woman, we want to extend this special $1.00 rate as our way of welcoming you to the magazine written by black women for black women.... In every issue, we give YOU beauty tips to play up your beautiful brown skin tone...."

(That last sentence was gratuitous, but it just sounds funny, so I quoted it anyway.)

I have no clue how I got on this list. No idea at all. I've considered writing them back and telling them that it's a waste of their money, as I'm not a woman (as they should be able to tell from the "Mr" prefix they used), nor am I black. But I think it's kinda funny.

My only guess would be BMG Music Service. They're a bit funny about selling lists, and they seem to make assumptions about you based on your latest purchase. I've observed in the past that some weird mailings and offers would follow certain purchases. Once, when I ordered an album by Johnny Cash or someone else who had once recorded a gospel album (or maybe I actually ordered their gospel album), I got solicitations to a Christian book club for six months. Then they dried up. That's just one example. I've also gotten solicitations for gay magazines (because no one listens to music by gay people other than gay people themselves, right?) and some others I can't recall right now. All I can figure is once I ordered a Janet Jackson CD, and BMG sold my name to Essence thinking I was obviously a black woman for wanting Rhythm Nation 1814 (despite most of the people I know who had it back in the day being white dudes), and Essence doesn't refresh their list.

Any others you fellas have got?

Hayden, who just turned two a couple months ago, is being hounded by Wayne State University to attend an orientation seminar.

Also, we have/have had some situations in the past that keep turning up and getting funnier and funnier. Slick an I used to live together, but I still get junk mail for him even though his name has never been attached to my current address. Slick's mailing address is now at our mom's house, so somewhere along the line the same wonky shit happened causing me to get junk mail for my mom and my little brother (who have never lived in Mt. Pleasant, MI, let alone my address). My uncle was nice enough to co-sign my first two loans ten years ago or so and I still on occasion will get a credit card offer for him.

My sister-in-law is staying with us for a few weeks until her lease for the school year begins on August 1st. I'm guessing we'll be getting mail for her well into the 2030s.

Speaking of that sort of thing, my dad has the same name as me, and is a member of AARP. Yet, I keep getting mail that tells me I should join and take advantage of all the great perks for people "like me" over 55.

I have not lived at the same address as him, even short-term, since before he was 50. I have no idea how they decided we're the same person.

However they did it, though, Saturn did it, too. We keep getting mail for him from Saturn asking him/me to buy another one of their shitty cars.

My wife somehow got mixed up with someone with a similar name, but not so close as to actually be easily confused (Genevieve/Jennifer), and was getting collection notices for this person for a while. We actually called and took care of that one, since having a mixup like that wind up on the credit report would be a bad idea.

For a while, I would get things from colleges addressed to both "Joihn Lindquist" and "John Londquist," and I have no idea why. I'd often get two of the same thing addressed to each name, but not to my real one. I don't know if it was after the ACTs or PSATs or what, but on those, you fill the bubbles to tell your name and I'm not a retard so I know how to do it right. It's cooled down lately but every now and then I'll get something.

I get stuff from AARP all the time.
The only reason I can figure is because I have arthritis. Apparently they figure only old people get arthritis.

I sometimes get my neighbor's Netflix movies. The guy's an arrogant prick, so I'll usually end up either keeping the DVDs or tossing them in he trash.

Double_G wrote:I sometimes get my neighbor's Netflix movies. The guy's an arrogant prick, so I'll usually end up either keeping the DVDs or tossing them in he trash.

Seriously, that's the shit. I'm far too nice for my own good and would only do something passive agressive like send it back.