the vynsane asylum

Sorry for the seriousness, but I don't feel like hearing from the useless fucks elsewhere...

This really sucks, but in 2 hours or so when my wife Sarah gets home I have to tell her her Grandma died.

Back in late October they discovered that Grandma had cancer and it was fairly advanced. Seeing as she was in her mid-80's, and wasn't in really great health as it was, she decided to do nothing about it. Nobody liked that answer, but we all accepted and understood it.
Over the past three weeks her health went downhill pretty fast to the point of having to go into a Hospice care home for the past week and a half or so, with Sarah's mom being up there damn near 24 hours a day. I can't imagine how hard this is for her right now.
Sarah and I have been up to see her four or five times since going into the home, but she has been unconscious for all but our first visit, due to her high level of meds (trying to "keep her comfortable").
That first visit was pretty rough on Sarah because the meds Grandma was on then caused her to go in and out of coherence. When she was with it, she pretty much said her goodbyes - she knew her time here was almost up. She gave us both big hugs and kisses and told us she loved us. I'm not sure what killed me more, knowing that was goodbye or seeing how hard it was for Sarah.
We were lat up there Monday evening and were planning on going up to see her again tomorrow since we both have the day off.
When I got out of work today there was a voicemail from my father-in-law. Even though he didn't say what it was, I knew why he was calling.
I called him back when I got home and he conformed it: Grandma died around 3:00pm this afternoon in her sleep. He wanted to get a hold of Sarah but she told me the other day that of something happened while she was at work NOT to call her because it might be hard to get anyone to come in and she didn't want to lose it at work. They didn't want to come over too late tonight because they have to get up pretty early to begin funeral arrangements and said they could tell her in the morning. That was when I offered to do the dirty work and tell her for him. He was grateful because he didn't want to have to wait until tomorrow before Sarah found out. As it is, we're the last to find out because we were both working.

Sarah called me about 20 minutes ago for something and I felt so terrible, like I was keeping a horrible secret from her.

I've already lost all of my grandparents and now Sarah has too. This is pretty hard for me because she was so sharp and didn't act like an old lady and treated me like I was her real grandson. I feel robbed again.
I really don't this will really hit me until the funeral. That is the way it usually happens for me.

Sorry for the rant, but now I have to sit here for another two hours and figure out how I'm going to do this.

Oh, man.

I'm really sorry to hear that. If there's anything I can do for you guys, let me know.

Losing a loved one is tough, bro.

I'm so sorry. Ditto what 'nark said. If you need anything, give a shout.

Sorry D, that bites.

You need anything give a holla.

Thanks guys.
Unfortunately there ain't much you kids can do, but I appreciate it.

The weird thing is I'm not super upset about it...yet. I'm sad (of course) and not looking forward to telling Sarah, but other than that I feel completely normal. Hell, I was even laughing while watching tv a little bit ago.
But like I said earlier, it'll probably won't hit me until the funeral.

Hey Db, make sure you give Sarah a big hug when she gets home. It'll help. She'll need all the comfort and you have to help her through this. I'm guessing that the blow will be softened after your last visit to the hospital when the goodbyes were said. But it's only hard for a short time, then we all move on.

dude, that sucks. especially the fact that she called for nothing in particular and you had to hold your tongue on her authority. that would simply destroy me. the fact that it's around the holidays won't help either.

i'm going to have a similar experience in the near future as one of my in-laws best friends is in hospice as of this week. this couple is considered my wife's "other parents" and he's been fighting brain cancer for about 5 years now. he recently found himself unable to walk, and a few cat scans showed yet another brain tumor. his wife put him in hospice without telling him about the new tumor. they've denied treatment as he's had chemo twice and radiation once.

it's going to be a pretty bad month.

To my surprise, she's taking it pretty well.
She lost it back when they told us Grandma had cancer and she lost it again when they put her in the Hospice and she lost it numerous times when we visited her.
When I told her Grandma was gone, she cried a little, but it wasn't as devastating to her as I imagined. I think it was almost a relief, because it has been more of a waiting game for everyone.
That said, she hasn't seen her mom or any other family members yet. She thinks that'll be when it really hits her.

I'm guessing that the blow will be softened after your last visit to the hospital when the goodbyes were said. But it's only hard for a short time, then we all move on.

I wish that were true for everyone. I lost my Grandpa to a cancer-related death over 11 years ago now and it still hurts when I think about him. I think I'm still more angry about it than hurt though.

i'm going to have a similar experience in the near future as one of my in-laws best friends is in hospice as of this week. this couple is considered my wife's "other parents" and he's been fighting brain cancer for about 5 years now. he recently found himself unable to walk, and a few cat scans showed yet another brain tumor. his wife put him in hospice without telling him about the new tumor. they've denied treatment as he's had chemo twice and radiation once.

Ouch, I'm sorry to hear that. If there is one bright spot to all of this, and as shockingly fast this happened, I'm actually glad it wasn't a prolonged thing. My Grandpa's problems lasted about a year and it was pretty tough. I can't imagine 5 years.

it's going to be a pretty bad month.

Tell me about it. Especially Christmas Eve, when her family would always get together at Grandma's house. That is going to be a weird night.

Diabolical wrote:To my surprise, she's taking it pretty well.
She lost it back when they told us Grandma had cancer and she lost it again when they put her in the Hospice and she lost it numerous times when we visited her.
When I told her Grandma was gone, she cried a little, but it wasn't as devastating to her as I imagined. I think it was almost a relief, because it has been more of a waiting game for everyone.
That said, she hasn't seen her mom or any other family members yet. She thinks that'll be when it really hits her.

well, that's something anyway... but yeah, getting together with the family will make it more difficult. my heart goes out to both of you.

i had a similar reaction to my grandma's passing a few years ago - she had been steadily degenerating due to alzhemier's and passed away two weeks after being moved to a nursing home. that was a devastating feeling - there was no guarantee that she would've lived any longer if she'd stayed at home, but try convincing yourself of that at the time. you're just not going to buy it. it still hurts, i still miss her and there's still that lingering guilt, but you live on.

however, it was a relief as she had no quality of life. my family has a weird way of dealing with grief and pain. we were absolutely hysterically laughing in the limo to the burial. the driver must have though we were really fucked up.

the epilogue to that story, however, is that my daughter was born at midnight on my grandma's birthday a few years later. we named her julia margaret - margaret being my grandma's name - in her memory.

Ouch, I'm sorry to hear that. If there is one bright spot to all of this, and as shockingly fast this happened, I'm actually glad it wasn't a prolonged thing. My Grandpa's problems lasted about a year and it was pretty tough. I can't imagine 5 years.

to be fair, they were actually very good years, all things considered. it's been really only the past year or so that he's had more and more difficulty dealing with the outside world. he suffered a LOT of memory loss, but not one ounce of sense-of-humor loss. he used to joke that he didn't understand why everyone was so nice to him for the first year after the diagnosis, but then went back to being assholes after that. then he remembered his prognosis was that he had a year left and it clicked. "once i outlived my prognosis, they all said 'fuck this'", he'd say.

Sorry to get in so late, but it DOES suck man, real sorry you had to go through this.

My Grandpa died over the course of several years from Alzheimers, the last year or two was REAL difficult, he couldn't speak or really do anything, I have been there myself and am glad it's all in the past.

Take it light Bro, and fill your mind with thoughts of Mabu-con

And on a lighter note, it REALLY is saying something when we have to actually put the word "serious" in "serious" topics eh?? Man we're good.

Sorry, I'm obviously awfully late here too RB.

It's never easy delivering this type of news - I still remember speeding Jodi home from Kingston to London (about 4 hours worth of driving) only to watch her find out it was too late (to see her Papa alive one more time). The thought of her face, first hopeful and then crushed & crying is still one of the saddest memories I've got.

Now that it's dealt with, however, I hope there's some sense of relief for you and the family - it's SO hard watching the old folks fade out over long periods of time (even a couple of weeks is long) that it's really better for everyone once it happens and you can deal with it.

With any luck you guys will spend some time laughing about funny things she said or did, those are the best ways to help diminish the sadness.