And you thought we had it bad...

[anarky]

We ain't got shit on the soap operas.

So we're a nice bunch of perverts coming on here to post about what comics are cool and who we want naked and such, and then a bunch of Romulans try to take over, and then a bunch of shitty kids from New Zealand start using our forums to post stupidity and vynsane has to hire a bunch of cartoon characters to police the place, and some complete fucking numbnuts shows up and constantly trying to argue with us and tell us we smell gay, and he starts working for this ridiculous spoof of Doctor Doom who is obsessed with vaginal cleanliness only to die when he finally pisses off Doctor Doom. Meanwhile, JediTricks shows up only to exposed as a Bizarro working for Action Online, who take over the site using a Harry Potter actor they've hired to pretend to be the reincarnation of the aforementioned retard, and he kills the original moderators and vynsane has to bring in a bunch of scab moderators, and then this fucking twerp comes and turns everything purple and he turns out to be Louie the Lilac from the old Batman show, and Batman kicks his ass, but he goes to another site to spread havoc, and then the original mods come back with no explanation and have a totally gay dance party. Meanwhile, we have cows, goats, Bizarros, Earth-2 Counterparts, hyenas, giraffes, Charo, and four weirdos who fuck everyone's parents and turn into Devastator for no real reason whenever one of them is accused of being French. Oh, and that fucktard Rob Liefeld fits in somehow, too.

Sit back and listen to me tell you 'bout some folks with real problems.

See, that was about four of five years worth of our craziness (though most of it's been in the past year). My wife started watching soap operas again after the baby was born, and she sometimes takes over the living room TV to watch them at night. (Yes, there's an entire network devoted to re-running soaps, including the day's episodes from all three networks at night. Sad, really.)

I've caught about an hour's worth in the past three weeks or so, when she's been watching it and I'm in the room for some reason.

Here's some of the crazy shit from one she watches. (Maybe I'm mixing shit up and it's two, but none of this is fabricated.)

So this old guy gets pissed at his son, and he starts dressing as a ninja and killing every woman the dude ever dated to get back at him. (Given that this is a soap opera, and all they do is fuck, you can imagine how many that is. Essentially the entire female cast.) They all work together, so the police think it's a serial killer stalking the women from this company. There's no clear MO--most are poisoned, but some are strangled. I actually saw one bit, which made me laugh so hard I almost fell down, where a lady put some peanut butter in her cart at the store and turned to look at the meat ('cause it's always beside the peanut butter, y'know), and the screen shows a ninja hand switch the jars of peanut butter while it plays ominous music. I shit you not. Somehow this guy knew where this lady would be, knew she needed peanut butter, knew what type, and brought along a poisoned jar so he could follow her without being seen (or anyone else noticing there's a dude dressed as a ninja, carrying peanut butter) and slip it into her cart undetected.

Anyway, once he made a mistake, and attacked and tried to strangle this transsexual rock star who's dating a lesbian because apparently she's a false-lesbian in every tychonian sense of the word.

One woman survived, but no one knows it. Everyone, including her parents, husband, and kid, think she's dead. But some random guy she fucked sometime last year was a doctor, and snuck her into a secret medical room in the basement of a local casino, and lied to her that she was in the hospital for reasons unknown.

Now, the serial killer is facing his son while holding another woman hostage. He has her rigged up to this unbelievably complicated remote control poisoning device, which has a needle filled with some poison so vile the writers couldn't be bothered to name it... where the fuck was I? Yeah, the needle is pressed against her throat, and he's threatening to push the button on the remote and kill her if his son takes one more step.

Wanna hear the funny part about that? He's holding the fucking woman by her shoulders! Why bother with the elaborate setup; wouldn't a simple fucking syringe work the same way and be a hell of a lot cheaper?

There were also several gangsters who took over a hotel full of main characters. They all wore ski masks except for the leader, who is a total poor man's version of Gordon Ramsey and apparently thought his accent would make him easy to identify so he didn't bother. (I pissed Mrs Anarky off several times by walking in when he was onscreen and saying, "If you don't give me that briefcase, you can hand me your apron and get out of the kitchen!") Anywho, he's after a briefcase which is in the vault of this hotel and contains some sort of top secret documents, and there's a code that has to be input into the lock of the briefcase every hour or it will self destruct. (I know if I had something like that, I'd trust it to the crew at the hotel.)

This is some really fucking nutso shit we're talking about here. And that's the quick rundown of the bits and pieces I've seen in like a month. That ain't even all the stupidity.

I swear to God, Snigtad must write that shit.

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

That peanut butter shit is great.

Too bad Passions isn't on anymore . . . I don't watch any of that shit, but while flipping through, that old lady and her monkey were always worth a good laugh. Or maybe it was a doll? Who knows.

[kidhuman]

Damn, sounds like the Grin is a busy ninja. Killing all his former lovers.

[anarky]

So, it was actually two. Gordon Ramsay was on General Hospital.

You know who else is on it?

Y'know the episode of Seinfeld where George takes an expensive book in the bathroom, has to buy it, and can't get rid of it? The pissy woman from the homeless shelter is on it!

So is JFK from Bubba Ho-Tep.

And, in a spinoff, Lando Motherfucking Calrissian.