Has there ever been anyone with worse luck than Megatron?

[anarky]

Chew on this for a while. To be a super bad-ass would be galactic emperor, Megatron has, undoubtedly, the shittiest luck ever.

First, in the world of toys, he starts life as a gun. Not just any gun, either, but a fucking Nazi pistol. If ever there was a symbol of evil, it was the original Megatron. But times change, laws change, and when the Generation 2 launch came, he couldn't be a gun anymore. So now he was (depending on which one you got) a hideous green-and-purple tank or a hideous white-and-purple tank. To make it worse, most Transformers in G2 had their names and/or corny slogans written on their alt forms somewhere. The "normal" Megatron figure--and, swear to God I'm not making this up--somehow was unlucky enough to have printed on one side of the cannon "Eat this!" and, on the other side, "Big Stick!"

Go through a few other spinoffs and remakes, and Megatron is royally fucked enough to be an alligator, a dinosaur, a dragon, and who knows what else? But, for once, everyone was getting royally screwed--Prime was even a damned gorilla.

In some of these screwy remakes, there wasn't even a Megatron. No, Scorponok, of all Decepticons, got the glory.

In the Alternators, the poor guy didn't get no love. Even Optimus Prime was made as an Alternator, though the 20th-Anniversary Prime was already in the right scale. They could make a Corvette turn into Ravage, and are about to even release a second Ravage, but Megatron? Nooooo. The crazy "evil Prime" from Comic-Con was not even Megatron, but some retarded made-up shit called Nemesis Prime.

And now we have the Classics line. Megatron is, again, a gun. But one of those stupid flying space guns. And he looks so stupid, Shockwave said, "Man, you look stupid as a flying gun!"

Not only is he the only Classic to not be a faithful update of the original, but he's the only one to be incredibly cheap in construction.

The cartoons, man, is there a week Megatron didn't get screwed five times? Every episode, you can hear Megatron crying, "Decepticons! Retreeeeeeeeat," because the Autobots have thwarted his plans and whooped his ass like a little bitch.

And if that wasn't bad enough, Megatron has a built-in rival in Starscream. Starscream is prissy, doesn't like to get his hands dirty, and thinks he's the prettiest thing ever. (Starscream is a walking, talking, transforming gay stereotype of the 80s in other words, minus the lisp.) Starscream wants nothing more than to take Megatron's place. Not a big deal, but when the other Decepticons transform into planes and tanks and monsters, Megatron turns into a gun. But not a normal-sized gun, which could actually be a useful disguise. Somehow, the Ark screwed him over, and he turns into a giant gun. And guess who always gets to shoot this gun? His pussy would-be usurper, Starscream. (Well, except for mabudon's favorite episode, where Megatron has to beg his archenemy Optimus Prime to "load" him.)

Which brings us to the movie, Megatron's chance to redeem himself. He seems to be doing a good job, wiping out a lot of Autobots at once and practically taking over their city on Earth. He even gets to call Starscream an idiot. But Prime shows up, runs over everyone, and kicks his ass. Hard. If not for a rare stroke of good luck in the form of Hot Rod's stupidity, Prime would have killed him dead and strolled over to Starbucks for a latte. But the fight ends in stalemate, with both dying. While the Autobots rush to show their love for their fallen leader, the Decepticons come over and kick Megatron. No heartfelt, "Yeah, the guy ran over me ten seconds before handing you your ass. Thanks for taking him out of commission." Megatron has to beg Soundwave so he's not left to die on Earth. Then, to make matters even more ignominous, it's not Prime who deals what would be the killing blow. It's that Homocon, Starscream, who dumbs him out of the shuttle with a sarcastic remark and not a single word of dissent even from Soundwave.

So Megatron drifts for some indeterminate amount of time before happening upon Unicron. Unicron offers Megatron more power and the voice of Leonard Nimoy. Things finally looking up for Megatron? Nope. In exchange for this power, he has to give up his name, get the most ridiculous-looking purple body ever bestowed upon an evil robot, and totally be Unicron's bitch. Seriously. If Unicron had a giant robot cock, Galvatron would be forced to lick it every morning.

Though the other Unicron-Decepticons have cool flying alt forms, Galvatron can't fly for long distances. He has to ride Cyclonus. You know that has to be embarassing.

So he rides his lackey back to Cybertron, where Starscream is being coronated. Hey, what gives? Megatron never got to wear a crown! And so, in a fit of jealousy and rage, he kills Starscream. But, in doing so, he cements himself as the "gayest living Decepticon." (In a cut scene, when Galvatron has his back turned, Rumble says, "What a fucking Fairycon!")

So Galvatron fights the powers of good, but he pretty much can't do anything right, and Unicron eats him. And then he gets his ass royally handed to him by Hot Rod, who bare-handed throws him across the galaxy. Does Megatron finally get a break by simply dying? No. Now, without his magical Unicron powers, he has to lead the Decepticons from an entire planet that somehow burned down (and you thought Star Wars' single-ecosystem planets were dumb?), and he no longer gets to speak with Leonard Nimoy's majestic voice. Plus, his hitting his head on the planet Charr has driven him nuts. His schemes become stupider and stupider, and his defeats at the hands of Autobot superhero demigod shitkicker (though no kids actually like him) Rodimus Prime more and more pathetic.

In comics, though, partly because there's more space to dump shit on him, Megatron suffers the worst.

Dreamwave has him getting trapped in some funky space-bridge accident in the far past and vanishing for millennia. Then, millions of years later, on Earth, he has the chance to blow up the Autobots' shuttle, but fucks it up and ends up killing all the Decepticons, too. And then Shockwave kicks his ass around the universe a few times, before leaving him for dead floating in deep space. But in this universe, no meeting with Unicron. Before Dreamwave finally goes under, Megatron lands on a planet where the Predacons have been stranded for some indeterminate time, which has apparently been long enough to make them all retarded. Had there been further comics, I'm sure we would see him being ass-abused by Razorclaw.

But in Marvel.... Megatron doesn't even read them anymore, as he's tired of being reminded of it.

First, he tries to attack the Autobot shuttle, where the greatest Autobot warriors have teamed up to destroy asteroids that threaten Cybertron. But this fucks up when Prime (who apparently doesn't yet know that he has the Matrix) decides it's better to commit suicide and strand all these robots on Earth just to wipe out Megatron.

So they're awakened, and the Decepticons seem to gain an upper hand when they kidnap Sparkplug Witwicky and force him to create a process to allow Decepticons to use Earth fuels. A few Autobots consolidate their power in a last-ditch effort to defeat these villains, and it seems they're about to lose when we learn that Sparkplug has poisoned all the Decepticons! So they all buckle over with some bad cyber-indigestion, and then things get really bad.

You see, Ratchet had been wondering, "Whatever happened to Grimlock?" and had sent a probe to investigate. The probe, however, unearthed Shockwave instead. Shockwave shows up and kills all the Autobots while Megatron's soldiers are looking at him shitting all sorts of oil on the ground.

Shockwave declares himself commander, repairs the other Decepticons, and whips Megatron's ass periodically. Then, when Megatron is fully whooped, he makes him stand in front of all the Decepticons and swear allegiance to him. De-powered, essentially a mascot, Megatron is allowed to live.

He strikes a deal with the last living Autobot, Ratchet, who finally got his shit together and found the Dinobots. In exchange for the return of the Autobot bodies, Ratchet will have the Dinobots kick Shockwave's ass. But Ratchet doublecrosses him, and shows him 4-million year old footage. You think it's bad being swindled by a dumb fucking goody two-shoes like Ratchet? That's nothing. Ratchet then kicks Megatron's ass, knocking him off a cliff and leaving him for dead.

So Megatron hits his head, which totally screws up his mind. He has to take orders now; he can't actually think for himself. And he winds up in the hands of a 2-bit bank robber, who uses his new laser pistol to become some pretty hot shit.

Eventually, Megatron gets his mind and his position as Decepticon leader back. But then he challenges Optimus Prime to a videogame... to the death! Prime kicks his ass, but decides that killing nonexistent characters in a computer game is wrong and thus allows himself to be destroyed instead of Megatron.

Megatron has now been accomplice to the single cheesiest death in comic book history. Now things get really bad. He goes crazy, missing his rivalry with Prime. The Decepticons have to send the Predacons to stop him, and they rip off his face. Megatron is really pissed, so he hops on the space bridge and blows it up! Finally an end to his suffering!

Not exactly. Somehow he survives, and winds up on Cybertron, in the worst slum imaginable. He's missing his face, and seriously injured. So no one believes him when he tells them he's Megatron. Things go this way for a few years. But on Earth, a dead Decepticon general named Straxxus has somehow returned to life, in a perfect duplicate of Megatron's body, and impersonates him for a few years in England.

Megatron once again gets his mind back, and quietly takes command of the Decepticons on Cybertron. He kidnaps Ratchet, hoping to get some revenge, and forces him to restore a mindwiped Starscream to life. Ratchet is a pretty nasty motherfucker, appearances to the contrary, and doublecrosses him again. He not only gives the reborn Starscream his memory (and cowardly, traitorous nature), but he restores Grimlock, Jazz, and Bumblebee as well. Then he knocks Megatron into a space-bridge wormhole, because Megatron has especially shitty luck around space bridges.

They're both thought to be dead, until Prime realizes that they could have survived and pulls them back from "unspace." But something is wrong. Now Megatron has been melted into one hideous, barely sentient entity with that sonovabitch Ratchet. They're separated, and Megatron regains consciousness on an abandoned Ark, where Galvatron (from another timestream) is on hand to beat the shit out of him for a whole issue while all he can think about is what Ratchet is seeing (since their minds were melted together, too).

Galvatron comes to his senses (he's nuts and prone to weird behavior, y'know?) and convinces Megatron to aid him in a plan for galactic conquest. Things look to finally be up for Megatron....

...And then the series is abruptly cancelled, and this plotline is dealt with by the Ark crashing violently into the Canadian wilderness.

Now comes the worst of all the indignities. Megatron survives, but decides to keep a low profile until a Generation 2 comic comes out. But since his toy is now a tank, he has to get a makeover. He teams himself with Cobra and gets a classy new tank body, perfectly acceptable to US import laws. But his new body has some serious flaws, which were intentionally put in by a former used car salesman and a back-from-the-dead insane homosexual former orthodontist.

Yep. Being Unicron's bitch, being beaten twice by Ratchet, being released as a cheap tank with "Eat this big stick" printed on his gun? None of it compares to the ultimate stroke of bad luck.

Megatron was cheated by motherfucking Doctor Mindbender.

I believe a moment of silence is in order. For nothing will ever go right for Megatron.

Sure, the bad guy can't really conquer the universe, but is it necessary to drag his face through cowshit so much?

[kidhuman]

I think he got fucked all the time.

[Eternal Padawan]

Maybe someone can pick a story from the forty million years of continuity where Megatron was the baddest mofo on Cybertron, whupping Autobot ass on a breen-ly basis.

I truly hope Furman makes Megatron and Galvatron two different characters in this new IDW continuity.

[anarky]

Well, before he proceeds to get his Deceptibutt handed to him for the rest of the series, we do learn Megatron brutally killed Sentinel Prime singlehandedly at the beginning of The War Within.

I don't mind Galvatron being Megatron so much... so long as it's the Megatron from another timestream or dimension or whatever.

[Eternal Padawan]

Megatron's arrogance is his downfall. He got so used to whupping ass for millinnia after millenia, it never occured to him that he would fail. And then he began surrounding himself with sycophants and ass-kissers instead of those lusting for his title, so that came back to bite him in the ass, also.

Plus, much of what happened was because he was BETRAYED. Megatron had some semblance of honor, so when Starscream, Ratchet, Shockwave, etc went back on their double dealing, two faced words....he suffered.

And if given the choice between a nancy women's gun like a derringer or a .22 or a Nazi Luger, can you blame Mags, for choosing the latter. And tanks are cool, but purple and green tanks are gay. Megatron should've ponied up for the gunmetal gray paint job.

[Ran]

That new Megatron I saw looks like a Super Soaker.

So let me get this straight. Megatron became Galvatron, then ended up kicking his own ass? Then gets screwed over by Dr. Mindbender? If I were Megatron, I'd fly into the nearest sun and vaporize myself.

[Starscream]

Starscream is prissy, doesn't like to get his hands dirty, and thinks he's the prettiest thing ever. (Starscream is a walking, talking, transforming gay stereotype of the 80s in other words, minus the lisp.)

His pussy would-be usurper, Starscream.

It's that Homocon, Starscream....

...he kills Starscream. But, in doing so, he cements himself as the "gayest living Decepticon."

Oh, shit.

I did not just read that. Those words did not just come from your little carbon-based fingers.

I would totally shove a cluster bomb up your ass, but I'm watching Desperate Housewives on Tivo. That Terri Hatcher, man, she is such a bitch.

So I'll just leave you with a simple but direct, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the face ain't listening, girlfriend!"

[anarky]

Fuck you, Starscream.

You fucking Gobot.

[Eternal Padawan]

Hey, Starscream, how do you justify that giant dildo sticking out of the back of your head on your toy? God you suck, princess.


Anarky is right, you ARE a fucking GoBot.

[anarky]

Megs got screwed over in the movie, too.

Not only does he look like Sauron, but he's being voiced by Elrond.

[Eternal Padawan]

And most likely he'll get his ass handed to him with the help of Bumblebee and Shia LeBouef.


Indignity City.

Did I mention he's a chickenbeak in the movie? BKAWK!

[anarky]

And he dies at the end of the movie, after speaking all of three lines.

Not to mention he has to run around with a dick for a tongue in Kiss Players.

Wow.

At least you got your wish, EP. Megatron and Galvatron are totally different characters in IDW. I only wish you were still here to see it.

[Diabolical]

Nevermind. Wrong thread.

[vynsane]

you're damn right it's the wrong thread. you better watch yourself. we're wanted men. i have the death sentence on 12 systems.

[Diabolical]

Systems of little girls maybe.
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