the vynsane asylum

Not entirely on-subject, but I had a dream last night where I made a movie. It was about George Washington. He lived in his time, but things were this bizarre, surreal mix of modern and colonial. They listened to rap music on their buggy stereos and used modern American currency. George and all his high school friends knew they were going to become famous, because they were on the money. Everyone looked up to Abraham Lincoln, who was older and in college and would buy them beer, but they knew he was going to have to wait an extra sixty years to become president. Apparently, the movie was a big hit and everyone thought it was funny because it took itself so un-seriously.

The thing that sticks in my mind: young George was a ladies' man, and was the fastest guy in Virginia when it came to unhooking a woman's bra. Before the movie started, the following appeared on a blank screen:

A note from the screenwriter:

It has been brought to my attention that the brassiere was invented in 1912.

Fuck off.

Obviously, this film exists in a parallel universe where bras were common in the 18th century.

Okay, it's not quite as funny as it seemed this morning before I was fully awake.

BTW, when looking at Wikipedia to confirm the year the bra was invented, I noted there is actually a photograph of bare titties on the Wikipedia page, which came as a bit of a shock.

This cracked me up.

As a woman matures, her breasts naturally sag. In popular culture, this maturation is referred to as "sagging" or "drooping",

So when something sags, it's referred to as sagging? That's incredible!! Thanks, Wikipedia!!

I just thought this up this morning, but it segues perfectly from anarky's dream movie.

Making biopics of completely forgettable Presidents like Zachary Taylor and Millard Fillmore, but cast incredibly hot young popular actors like Channing Tatum and Robert Pattinson in the roles so girls will squeal and go see the films. It'd be hilariously innacurate having these twenty-something guys posing as sixty and seventy year old men, but then having teenagers every suddenly be experts on obscure Presidents because they saw the film.

"Bradley Cooper IS James K. Polk..."


I bet they'd make money.

And show James K. Polk personally fighting Hitler at Little Big Horn.

Make an accurate movie about Ulysses S. Grant, but include a Disney-esque singing butterfly whose advice is responsible for everything Grant did.

Or make an otherwise accurate biopic of Woodrow Wilson, but cast a black actor.

Had this is an awesome dream last night. Mostly because they've never done the REAL origin of the Hulk on the big screen yet, and I'd love to see it. And I realize that bag o cats has set sail(or that ship's out of the bag...I don't know metaphors...) but here's my idea. It would solve the problem of everyone wanting a new Hulk movie with Mark Ruffalo without him having to carry an entire movie.


Captain Marvel. In the Aftermath of the Avengers movie, the US Military is aware Alien Invasions are a real possibility. But the Cube/Tesseract energy slurce is no longer a viable option so they've turned to Gamma as an alternate source. Tony Stark has convinced them to set up a Gamma Base in the New Mexico desert and Bruce Banner, the world's foremost authority on Gamma energy, is working there on a Gamma shield program. Among other employees is a Dr. Philip Lawson(I couldn't find the 616s secret ID, so I used the Ultimate version) and Carol Danvers as head of base security. You could also throw Thunderbolt Ross in there for extra conflictive drama, but it's not necessary. Lawson, as we all know, is secretly the Kree warrior, Mar-Vell, who, as a member of the Kree are now keeping tabs on Earth after the Chitauri invasion.
The first act is Banner and everyone working on the Gamma shield ray generator and getting ready to test fire it. Jackass teenager Rick Jones drives out onto the test site. Banner goes out to rescue him and we see the classic 'origin' scene of the Rick getting thrown to safety as the "bomb" explodes and Banner is bathed in Gamma radiation. Which turns him into a raging mindless Hulk. We see a classic desert throwdown with the Hulk and the military, and eventually Mar-Vell has to break cover and we get an epic Capt Marvel vs Hulk fight.
Mar-Vell then explains he's really an alien spying for the Kree to protect Earth from future Chitauri attacks, but then it turns out the Kree were really thinking about just taking Earth for themselves, so Mar-Vell and Rick Jones have to team up to stop the Kree "invasion". but everyone except Jones thinks he's the bad guy.
There's Nega Bands and a Psyche-Magnitron involved and at the end Capt. Danvers gets blasted with the P-M and she ends up saving the day and setting up a sequel....

Capt. Marvel II Captain Mar-Vell dies and Danvers steps up as the new CM. I envisioned a funny scene where the US Govt is trying to makeover Danvers as their own personal SuperHero and they've got her trying on all those horrible 70s style costumes with the thigh high boots and bare midriffs (because of focus groups etc) and shes like "Are you serious? You want me to fight in this S&M shit??" but then there's an attack by AIM or Hydra and she has to battle(for that set piece at least) in one of the "classic" uniforms (probably the black version with the lightning) as a nod to fanboys.

Anyway, it's a work in progress.

If and when they make a Luke Cage movie, after Carl Lucas escapes from prison and picks out a new name to go with his new identity, he should choose it after seeing Nicolas Cage on a billboard or on TV or something. It's Meta and only 10 people would get it.

A really good, mostly accurate movie about Jesus Christ, with topnotch actors, settings, score, everything. The sort of movie that you know before you even see it that it's going to totally sweep the Oscars. Think The Greatest Story Ever Told or the pre-crucifixion parts of The Last Temptation of Christ, only a hundred times better.

(You know there's a caveat on the way, don't you?)

Only Jesus is married to Mary Magdalene. And there's a lot of nudity and sex. From the opening scene, where the Virgin Mary (Natalie Portman) is all reverse-cowgirl riding God (Morgan Freeman, of course), there's just a lot of boning going on. Particularly Jesus and MM. Also, James and John are lovers, not brothers.

The outrage would be so totally worth it.

You had me at Natalie Portman as Mary + Reverse Cowgirl...and then lost me at nekked Morgan Freeman.

Nah, you don't actually see Morgan naked. What, do you think I'm going to blaspheme?

Oh for the love of Fox News! You're going to have a Jewish woman who had a child out of wedlock play Mary? Are you nuts?

Wouldn't you use a CGI George Burns as God instead of Morgan Freeman. To film it you can have her riding a Sybian on green screen. Naturally, the raw footage would be included on the Blu Ray to boost sales.

This instant classic sums it up perfectly.

Another "came to me in a dream" thing. The details of the movie weren't especially good, but I cannot believe that Hollywood has never made this film (or, if they did, it went way under the radar).

A science fiction romantic comedy.

A beautiful agent from some sort of humanoid alien race is stranded on Earth, perhaps after a battle. She is found by generic romcom leading male (perhaps she crashes into his truck one night or something) and simultaneously is trying to find a way back to her world and adjust to living "undercover" on Earth. Maybe government agents are onto her, too. Meanwhile, she's getting into all sorts of humorous situations with the guy who's sheltering her, sort of a mishmash of the typical romcom tropes and "that's not how they do things on my planet." Maybe there's some space battles and stuff going on for a few minutes (surprise, ladies did enjoy Star Wars, Star Trek, Avengers, and Guardians). Of course, in the end, she decides to stay on Earth and they get married while accompanied by some romantic 80s pop ditty.

I know that 99.9% of romcoms are shit. But there's always that 0.1% where they try to make a good movie and do. This just seems like a sort of mash-up that could actually work. If nothing else, it would be less painful for the guys in the audience to watch.

So kind of a Mork and Mindy except Mindy is the alien this time.

As an earthling on Mork's planet, alien or she's from another planet on earth like Mork in the original?

I was thinking a humanlike alien female from a more advanced world. (In my dream, she was physically identical to humans except for a short, horse-like mane, which was easily hidden so long as she didn't wear dresses with low-cut backs or something, and there was stupid stuff about how she had to be careful at the beach. I really don't know why I dream up watching movies like nothing that's actually been made so often. I don't even post 99% of them because they are full-on stupid, like The Mickey Mouse Story starring Gary Busey. Actually, that one sounds kinda funny after all.)