My roommate's masturbatory adventure

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

This little story is just too strange not to share here.

As I've said elsewhere, my roommate does nothing but sleep and play World of Warcraft all day long. He says he goes to classes, but I'm not sure. He's leaving at the end of the semester, which is next week, to I guess do the same kind of dicking around somewhere else.

Anyway, last night, he decided to depart from his usual schedule. I went to bed at 11 since I had to get up at 7 (even though I ended up sleeping through my class anyway). I woke up a little after 2 due to his talking, which he sometimes does (while talking to other players or whatever). I figured it was really nothing and just tried to get back to sleep. However, he kept going with it. This time, I actually heard what he was saying, which included (but was not limited to):

"I love the feel of a girl's lips on my dick."
"ROCK hard."
"When I get back I'm gonna fuck you up against a couch."
"Keep talking so I can get myself off."

And so on. All I could do was just fucking lay there and stare at the wall, trying and failing to get back to sleep, with the sound of him rustling around always present. I was finally able to after he was done having his cyber/phone sex (or whatever the fuck he was doing) and he returned to Warcraft (no fucking joke). It's pretty fucking funny now, but it wasn't at the time.

[anarky]

I've got two stories along those lines. One is a bit more involved, but here's the other:

My freshman roommate kinda flaked on me. When it came time for sign-up for sophomore roommates, he told me he was going to room with me, didn't show up for the sign-up, and, when I asked him what the hell was going on, he said I was too "immature" and he was rooming with someone else. Fuck, yeah, I'm immature. But at least I'd have the decency to tell someone I've pretended to like all year that I wasn't going to room with them the next year instead of lying about it until after the fact. (This is the guy who once stuck a paperclip in both sides of an outlet to "see what would happen." Yeah, I have a dumb sense of humor and read comic books. At least I don't do shit that a 4-year-old knows could kill you.)

Anyway, I got stuck with a roommate second year who was like the guy who wanted to be in a fraternity but was too dumb. Harmless, but we just happened to occupy the same room and didn't actually communicate much. Starting around the middle of the year, he started coming into the room late at night after I was in bed, making just enough noise to wake me up, though he was clearly trying to avoid doing so. He would sit on his bunk (the bottom) and start, uh, shaking the bed with a rhythmic back-and-forth motion. (He was alone.)

On one night in particular, I heard him sit on his bed, sigh, get up, walk across the room, and pick something up. He came back, sat back down, and I heard the unmistakable sound of a lotion bottle opening. Wiff! The bed started shaking. And shaking. And shaking. Then I heard the lotion bottle open AGAIN.

Yeah, I was in the student affairs office the next day wrangling another room.

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

The second one is fucking hilarious. My roommate has a bottle of lotion next to his computer that I've never once seen him use. I don't think it's for moisturizing.

I wonder who I'll be stuck with next semester? It could be worse, but hopefully it won't be.

[anarky]

The first part wasn't really a story in and of itself, just background on why I was in a room with this weirdo my second year.

For junior year, I knew I still couldn't get a single because of the pecking order, so found the only person I knew who didn't have a roommate (since most people I knew had either kept their original roommates or roomed with someone in sophomore year). He was a little weird, but at least I knew what the weirdness was going in.

[Slicker]

That's just fucking disgusting JJL!! I can't STAND WOWer's!

[Jargo]

I'm saying nothing. i went to a boarding school.

[Zaphod]

your roommate was talking to me! he thought i was a girl. he got mad when i said, "dude, your totally being gay and i have it on tape and am sending it to your mom!" of course, you should have just said that you were having trouble sucking your tallywacker with all his bullsshit.

[Antropov]

Shit like this makes me glad I never lived in a dorm. I wish you the best, John.

Just don't get caught tastin' the bits, lest ye become HIS college story.

[Rollo Tomassi]

That's just fucking disgusting JJL!! I can't STAND WOWer's!

Oooh! BURN JJ!


FYI, this topic title is the kind of thing that will make our hypothetical "Inane Prattle/BaconHelmet" webpage hilarioous!!

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

Oh, shit. This was a fun time.

I tried to move out of the dorms after that semester, but they basically wouldn't let me if it wasn't for a medical reason. After the WOW guy left, my second roommate that year was a super effeminate guy whose girlfriend was over all the goddamn time. They had a calendar up where they wore color-coordinating outfits for different months, and shit like that. I caught them using my computer to print off a shitload of sheet music when I was gone one weekend (unless my ink had suddenly run out and my computer had mysteriously downloaded a bunch of piano songs by itself). So not as bad, but just annoying as fuck.

Then I transferred and, uh, there you go.

[anarky]

They told me it wasn't so easy to transfer rooms without a medical or other serious reason. I kept asking every day, but was a bit embarrassed to say more than "We're not getting along." Finally, after three or four days, I just said, "My roommate is waking me up in the middle of the night jacking off so hard it shakes the bed. Even if we un-stacked the beds, the grunting would keep me up. It's sort of tough to get back to sleep after that. I'm having a hard time staying awake in my classes." That seemed to do the trick.

[Negative Boy]

I was roommates with Kate Beckinsale back in the early 90s for a few months and she had a serious masturbation problem. I'd come home and find her spread out on our leather couch wearing nothing but earrings and pumps, covered in a sheen of sweat and furiously plunging four fingers into her very wet and sticky clam. It was like every other day id walk in and find her staining the couch with jizz. And the noises out of her mouth while she was doing it? My god. It was almost hotter to watch her fucking herself than it was to actually fuck her. But one time she was on her stomach with her perfect ass arched up and she strumming it like a guitar. She looked over her shoulder at me and gave me the sexiest evil smile ever, so I pounded her for like two hours.

After that I kicked her out and bought a new couch. That one was ruined.