If you ran Hollywood, what movies would you make?

[anarky]

Totally free reign here.

• Emma Watson (in a year or so) is a naive freshman at Oxford. She comes under the sway of a second-year senior and raging lesbian nymphomaniac (played by Keira Knightley). Watson's character learns, mostly through observation, how Knightley gets everything she wants through sex, including her good grades. When Watson has to get her grade on an exam changed by fucking an American professor (Jennifer Connelley), she learns that Knightley's life is hollow and we all learn a touchy-feely lesson, and then the two have sex again, but this time it means something, or some crap so this gets an Oscar.
• Laura Prepon is... Boobiewoman! No powers, no abilities, hell, no fighting skills. A mild-mannered (and hot) redheaded reporter discovers one day that, by flashing her tits, she can distract supervillains long enough for the cops to arrive. So she spends the next hour and a half defending the city from evil. And, boy, is there a lot of evil.
• Ashley Judd, Charlize Theron, and Scarlett Johansen are cousins in deepest, darkest West Virginia. After an apocalyptic nuclear war that eradicates the rest of humanity, they find themselves caught up in the battle between zombie ninjas and zombie pirates to find the Holy Grail and restore some fallen god to the heavens. Oh, and since there are no people left, they decide it's a waste of time to bother getting dressed. And, being cousins from West Virginia, they make out a lot. And they like to blast Bad Company really loudly, too.
• Paradise Lost: Can you believe that, in the history of film, no one has adapted this book? Fucking crazy. Oh, and let's throw Hayden Pantinhowthefuckdoyouspellhername in as Eve.
• Star Wars: Episodes I-III: The Definitive Editions. Let's beat George Lucas until he says the prequels were a joke, and then have guys like Bryan Singer and Peter Jackson direct new movies based upon the novelizations. So the story is more or less the same, only the suckage factor goes down. Oh, and Aayla Secura has to pop out of costume a few times.
• World's Finest: No nudity or anything. Scrap this fucking Justice League movie they're doing, and do whatever it takes (blackmail, extortion, etc) to get Nolan, Bale, Singer, Routh, Spacey, and Ledger to collaborate on this. Oh, and let's have it lead into a Batman movie with Bane that doesn't suck balls.

[anarky]

Oh, and Casablanca II: Rick's Revenge.

[vynsane]

the first three sound like winners to me!

[Double_G]

I would donate a kidney to see that first movie.

[anarky]

the first three sound like winners to me!

But not the third? What if I were to cast Kris Kristofferson as Adam (who, unlike Eve, is fully clothed the entire time, since Kris is too fucking badass to not just be himself on set), Billy Dee Williams as God, and Alan Rickman as Satan (who, as you know if you've read it, is the major character).

I would donate a kidney to see that first movie.

Out of curiosity, what's wrong with Boobiewoman?

[vynsane]

the first three sound like winners to me!

But not the third?

um... doesn't the "first three" include "the third"? or is this the new math?

if you're referring to the fourth, i'd have to know anything about the book in question, which i don't. if there's nudity in it, that's cool.

[Ran]

-You have to think outside the box when casting Adam. I say get Natalie Portman with a strap-on.

-For BW, would there be a sequel where Laura Prepon discovers what happens when she takes off her pants?

-I'm over the SW prequels and really wouldn't care to ever see a remake let alone a live action TV show.
_________________________
My ideas:

- Big budget Toxic Avenger remake. Keep the "B" movie feel but update the script, better actors, and special effects. Directed by Q. Tarentino.

- Ender's Game: They announced this movie before The Phantom Menace came out. I'd kick someone in the balls to get that thing rolling.

- Finish the HHGTTG series.

- The Illiad, Homer's The Oddessy, or Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner: Figure out which of the there would translate best to film. (Since my first choice, Beowulf, comes up later this year in CGI form) Get the guys who created the Rome TV series.

- Force the parties that be to get Peter Jackson to make the Hobbit.

And finally:

- Kentucky Fried Movie remake anyone?

[Double_G]

Out of curiosity, what's wrong with Boobiewoman?

Nothing at all. I'd just rather see Keira Knightley and Emma Watson fuck each other.

[anarky]

um... doesn't the "first three" include "the third"? or is this the new math?

Uh, yeah. New math.

Paradise Lost is an epic poem that rationalizes the fall of Satan by making him a tragic figure done in by his own pride. It's quite good, though incredibly dense. And I do mean incredibly dense.

[mabudon]

I tried to make a mini-movie of Paradise Lost for grade 12 English= it truly is a great tale, but fucking damn near impossible to actually "enjoy" cos of the writing style- if you really care about all the references, even the Internets themselves would likely not help out much

[Twiki]

Totally free reign here.

Code: Select all

I would see these movies if in addition to the hotties you mentioned, Emmy Rossum was also in them.

• Emma Watson (in a year or so) is a naive freshman at Oxford. She comes under the sway of a second-year senior and raging lesbian nymphomaniac (played by Keira Knightley). Watson's character learns, mostly through observation, how Knightley gets everything she wants through sex, including her good grades. When Watson has to get her grade on an exam changed by fucking an American professor (Jennifer Connelley), she learns that Knightley's life is hollow and we all learn a touchy-feely lesson, and then the two have sex again, but this time it means something, or some crap so this gets an Oscar.

Code: Select all

Emmy Rossum plays Emma Watson's shy roommate.  There is a tender scene where they "experiment" for the first time.  It could be more than one tender scene.  And one tender scene could be a shower scene.

[*] Laura Prepon is... Boobiewoman! No powers, no abilities, hell, no fighting skills. A mild-mannered (and hot) redheaded reporter discovers one day that, by flashing her tits, she can distract supervillains long enough for the cops to arrive. So she spends the next hour and a half defending the city from evil. And, boy, is there a lot of evil.

Code: Select all

Emmy Rossum is Laura's sidekick Tittygirl.  She has an oral fixation and is always with a lollipop in her mouth.

[*] Ashley Judd, Charlize Theron, and Scarlett Johansen are cousins in deepest, darkest West Virginia. After an apocalyptic nuclear war that eradicates the rest of humanity, they find themselves caught up in the battle between zombie ninjas and zombie pirates to find the Holy Grail and restore some fallen god to the heavens. Oh, and since there are no people left, they decide it's a waste of time to bother getting dressed. And, being cousins from West Virginia, they make out a lot. And they like to blast Bad Company really loudly, too.

Code: Select all

Emmy, who is also nude, is a blind prophet to the zombies.  

[*] Paradise Lost: Can you believe that, in the history of film, no one has adapted this book? Fucking crazy. Oh, and let's throw Hayden Pantinhowthefuckdoyouspellhername in as Eve.

Code: Select all

Emmy can play Eve.  Hayden can play Satan.  "The eating of the apple" will be symbolically portrayed as a rugmunch fest for the last 90 minutes of a 100 minute movie.

[*] Star Wars: Episodes I-III: The Definitive Editions. Let's beat George Lucas until he says the prequels were a joke, and then have guys like Bryan Singer and Peter Jackson direct new movies based upon the novelizations. So the story is more or less the same, only the suckage factor goes down. Oh, and Aayla Secura has to pop out of costume a few times.

Code: Select all

Emmy is a handmaiden.  Lots of "bathing the Senator" scenes to replace all the awkward Padme/Anakin scenes.  

[*] World's Finest: No nudity or anything. Scrap this fucking Justice League movie they're doing, and do whatever it takes (blackmail, extortion, etc) to get Nolan, Bale, Singer, Routh, Spacey, and Ledger to collaborate on this. Oh, and let's have it lead into a Batman movie with Bane that doesn't suck balls.[/list]

Code: Select all

No nudity. Fine.  Emmy plays Poison Ivy with three or four strategically placed leaves on her otherwise bare, airbrushed green body.  Vicious catfight between her, Batgirl, Supergirl, and Catwoman ends up at the Metropolis Baby Oil Manufacturing plant.

[Negative Boy]

I would make a Mack Bolan: The Executioner movie where Mack executes that liberal bitch Oprah and reveals she's a terrorist muslim bitch spy working for those heathen communist Koreans. It would win a bunch of Academy Awards and they would make it mandatory viewing in elementary schools so kids would know what heathen, commie, liberals were and throw rocks at them.

[anarky]

Take the existing prints of The Arrival and Conspiracy Theory, scrap the ends, bring in all the actors, and shoot new endings that don't suck ass.

Both were awesome movies up until the last 10-20 minutes.

Oh, and a live-action Freakazoid, and an Arrested Development movie.

[Double_G]

For the live-action Freakazoid movie, who would play him?

[vynsane]

i would say jim carrey if it wouldn't be too similar to "the mask".