The Plan 9 of books

books are important. a dying art. please, please, let me know that there are still people out there that read more than just magazines.

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anarky
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The Plan 9 of books

Post by anarky »

DO NOT spend money on this shit. If you're an Amazon Prime member, though, definitely check it out. Mrs. A got this book for free on her Kindle (apparently it was available for purchase for free for a week or so before becoming $3, and she "buys" every damned free book she can get). She read it last night and then told me I had to read it, sort of to verify how bad it was.

This is, no shit, the Plan 9 From Outer Space or the Manos: The Hands of Fate of novellas. It is so bad, you have to actually appreciate how bad it is, and you laugh your fucking ass off the whole time. I swear to God, the guy (I'm assuming it's a guy) has never had sex before, and never had any experience with anything else the book describes. It's about a virginal young college student who's studying abroad for seven months (and, no shit, the writer apparently doesn't realize that studying abroad actually involves going to school) and winds up fucking her older male friend. Aside from the pathetic writing (think 20-page e-mails in excruciating detail, including dialogue), I just about lost my shit when the dude walks in on this woman he's supposedly hot for, asks her to fuck (and I am not mincing words here), engages in some laughably poorly written foreplay, gets a BJ for "several minutes," and then discovers he's not hard enough! (Dude, invest in Viagra and cut out the fatty foods. You have some serious problems here. Or maybe you're gay and don't know it.)

The "study abroad" consists of walking around Paris and writing letters back to a friend that prove the writer knew how to use Wikipedia for basic facts. Another "totally lost my shit" moment came when the writer had clearly put a note in the text for himself to look up the name of the prison where Marie Antoinette was imprisoned and then left it there!

In the end, it takes an abrupt turn in a preachy postscript, where the whole thing appears to wind up as a "despite my attempts and failures at being erotic, sex will ruin your life and make baby Jesus cry" parable.

Swear to God, I think someone pulled off a "Cruisemissile Troopers" sort of spoof here.

http://www.amazon.com/Undressing-Virgin ... 347&sr=8-1
(BTW, the full title is "Undressing a Virgin: My Study Abroad Trip." The "Trip" gets omitted in the Amazon description. But it totally belongs; it makes the title become even clunkier.)
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RoIIo Tomassi
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Re: The Plan 9 of books

Post by RoIIo Tomassi »

So you'll read this shit, but turn your nose up at Game of Thrones? :roll: Lerdy, Lerdy.

How is she a virgin when in the picture she looks about eight months preggers?
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Re: The Plan 9 of books

Post by vynsane »

^ someone doesn't read product descriptions:
Product Description
A young Southern virgin, Emma, always wanted to visit the country of France.

Finally, she scheduled a private, eight-month study and travel tour.

But while away, she got more than a tour: She came home six and one-half months pregnant.

In this story, Emma tells what happened.

Warning: This story is only for, and about, adults 18+ This story contains sexual descriptions.
six AND one-half months! and private study tours are a thing, i swear...
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RoIIo Tomassi
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Re: The Plan 9 of books

Post by RoIIo Tomassi »

You got me! I didn't read the product description. :bj: *snore*
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anarky
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Re: The Plan 9 of books

Post by anarky »

She's for some reason forbid me to read GOT until she does.

And I can't get her to open the goddamn package.

But she hounded me to read this. Given that I didn't pay for it, it was worth ten minutes. (Okay, twelve counting the laughter breaks.)

It's worthy of being reviewed as the P9FOS on some inane site and becoming a meme.
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Re: The Plan 9 of books

Post by RoIIo Tomassi »

What. The. Fuck.
What's her e-mail. I'ma set that woman straight.

Fuck, I will send you MY copy of the book to read. I will fucking overnight it to you.

As for the Virgin e-book, we should write a sequel where the baby comes out and is a cyborg ninja assassin and the mother has to break into the Pentagon and steal some spy shit and save the world. With lots of mediocre sex scenes.

In fact, everybody write a boring "steamy" sex chapter and post it in this topic.
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anarky
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Re: The Plan 9 of books

Post by anarky »

If I had more time, I would transcribe that shit, errors and all, so you could read it and fully appreciate it. :lol:

Mrs A alerted me to another this morning. She didn't download it for obvious reasons (though, laughing, I said she should because it looks like a riot), but got the link from one of her e-mail newsletters.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B006PI ... d_asin_lnk

Read the description, then click on the "Look Inside" and read a page or two (at least up to the "sexist voice").

The grammar is so fucking bad, I'm vicariously offended on behalf of all black people everywhere.

Oh, and the coup-de-grace: read the review by "MeMe" (the only one-star review, so probably the only one not by the author's friends), then the comment from the author responding to it. I lost my shit with that, and am hunting for it now.
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Re: The Plan 9 of books

Post by anarky »

Here's another true gem. It's got a shit-ton of err--fuck, the entire book is an error.

http://www.amazon.com/Moon-People-Dale- ... pd_sim_b_1

Excerpt (and I've meticulously transcribed every error that my mind wants to fix in re-typing it):
The Beginning
of
The End
Chapter 1

This Story Begins on a beautiful sunny day in Daytona Beach Florida with a man by the name of David Braynor. A 45-year-old single man that works at the local high school as a science teacher. He also teaches astronomy in the 12-grade level. Now he has been here about 5 years and has become somewhat partial to a young lady by the name of Cheral Baskel a local restaurant owner in Daytona Beach Florida. At the moment, Cheral is preparing her restaurant for another shuttle launch at the cape. Everyone always gathers at her place because you can see the launch real good there. It is on the water and its real close to the Cape. She always decks the place out right before a launch too. Now David always goes to Cheral's place before work every morning for breakfast because it is on his way to his school. He has never missed a shuttle launch at Cheral's place since he's been at his school. David was not always a teacher. Before he was a teacher, he use to work for the government for U.F.O. research about five years ago. He didn't like the job that much because he was always bored.
About the author:
D. M. Courtney is Married and a father of three, a writer and also does work for National Security on the part of foreign policies and war strategies and world economic equality. My hobbies are Scuba diving and fishing. I was raised in Miami Florida at the time of the Muriel flotilla of refugees from Cuba in the early seventies. Also did a tour in the military in the Army, went to Korea for a year. I've always enjoyed Writing about science fiction and I hope you really enjoy my book Moon People. Thank you and may God Bless your life.
Looks like folks have wised up to this one--it has mostly 5-star reviews, all in a "Wolf Shirt" or "Horse Mask" vein.
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Re: The Plan 9 of books

Post by anarky »

Well, shit. The book I originally linked to is apparently gone from Amazon altogether. I'm guessing the author noticed the majority of the (very few) reviews were negative and got embarrassed, or something.
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Re: The Plan 9 of books

Post by RoIIo Tomassi »

Moon People has the most epic Reviews ever!!!!
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anarky
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Re: The Plan 9 of books

Post by anarky »

Here's another one. She was looking at today's freebies and I happened to look over her shoulder when this was up. I immediately thought, "I've got to share this with Rollo. I want him to read the preview (and the description) and see if he comes to the same conclusion I did: This is the shitty romance novel Cobra Commander would write if Cobra Commander wrote a shitty romance novel."

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007JV ... d_asin_lnk
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Re: The Plan 9 of books

Post by RoIIo Tomassi »

I can't figure out how to read the sample on my phone, but I'm going to assume lots of vocabularious wordiness.
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Re: The Plan 9 of books

Post by anarky »

Yes. The only thing not Cobra Commander-ish about it is that the sentences are all technically incorrect, so it's clear that it's a dumbass using big words incorrectly to look smart, and not someone who naturally talks in ridiculously big words all the time.

It was so chock full of high-level vocabulary words that it was completely unreadable.

BTW, off subject, but, since the Commander's vocabulary was a relatively late development in the comic, I wonder if it was sort of an in-joke to distinguish him from the cartoon's borderline moronic version?
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Re: The Plan 9 of books

Post by RoIIo Tomassi »

I think he exaggerated it as time went on, but I always remembered it being there. I owe my large vocabulary to comics. Between CC, Hank McCoy, Reed Richards, et al, I was thumbing through the dictionary constantly.
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