A man found lying in an alley, beaten to within an inch of his life, was identified as Robin S Flantdig, alias Snigtad Flornbi, a onetime troll at vynsane.com who was retconned by the awesome coolness that is GIJoe Resolute into a beatnik and superlover.
Flantdig was found with his beret shoved into his mouth, and approximately twenty gallons of otter semen leaking from his bruised anus. Before lapsing in a coma, he said one cryptic sentence to paramedics: "Aww, daddy-o, this weren't how Smooth Day was supposed to go down, dig?"
Prior to viewing GIJoe Resolute, Flantdig was an annoyance, often banned, and yet always seeming to find his way back. He had been singlehandedly responsible for the fiasco that was Doosh Day several years ago, and spent most of his time getting buggered by his uncle. A single viewing of GIJoe Resolute, however, altered his history so that he was now one of the original beatniks, had personally edited On the Road for Jack Kerouac, and had been with more women than even Joan Jett (whom he reportedly bedded on over thirty different occasions).
Flantdig's condition was upgraded from critical to stable when he received a blood transfusion from an unnamed donor. Vynsane.com news crews got a glimpse of the donor, who wore a green cape, had immense googly eyes, and smelled slightly of flower-scented vinegar. In a statement released to the press, he stated that it was always part of his nefarious, yet indistinct, plans to save the life of anyone brutally assaulted by otters while trying to enlighten them to the finer points of Allan Ginsburg.
We wish Mr Flantdig well, and are sure the guy who appeared out of thin air when Flantdig received his blood transfusion (whose Burger King nametag identified him as Rodger and who immediately went to Flantdig's bedside, asked for privacy, and began to remove his pants) wishes him well also.
Putting the broad back into broadcasting.