THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK BUT ...

funny stuff!!! well, except for carrot top. and paul reiser. damn, that guy blows, but not as much as Paul Rodriguez, he should be deported back to Mexico

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Tasia Salad
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THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK BUT ...

Post by Tasia Salad »

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK BUT ...

1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message..

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
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vynsane
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Post by vynsane »

i'm not sure which one is my favorite, so i'm going with four...

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

and this one, because i actually basically DID say this to my manager...

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
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jdr3
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Post by jdr3 »

Kinda funny how those can also apply to dating.

I think throughout today I will have to say about 50% of them. And afterwards, does anybody have a job for me?[fett]
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Troopersmo
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Post by Troopersmo »

see.. Ive seen that list, and while most are funny, I have my own list after some of the tards Ive had to deal with..

1. Get your fucking hands off my post-its bitch

2. Hey, Lumpy.. you gonna hog that fucking spreadsheet all day?

3. Listen you retard, I dont go over to your fuckin desk and hover and drool on your lunch do I? sit the fuck down

4. Your in customer service, doesnt give you the green light to be a bitch to the customers.. bitch.

5. Hey dickwad, theres a bumper outside waiting to play tag with you.


justa few..

Im ok. really..
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kidhuman
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Post by kidhuman »

Love the bumper/tag line
shitface
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Post by shitface »

i am a penis!!!!!!!!!!!
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Eternal Padawan
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Post by Eternal Padawan »

So there's this guy I work with. We'll call him Randy. Randy's a management favorite for reasons I don't understand, so he gets to fuck off and slack and they don't say shit to him. So any opportunity I get, I rag on 'im. Examples.

Guy comes into the break room and says 'I don't feel very well.' In front of everybody I yell, 'Randy said he'd make you feel better, but his knees are too sore.' Man, Randy was pissed.

The other night I gave him the finger and he smiled and gave me the peace sign back, to which I responded 'Are those the same two fingers you use on your mom?' Don't EVER bring up Randy's mom or he will go to management. This I now know.

I waited until the manager sat down across from at lunch and started mouthing words like "You fucker and asshole" across the room. Then when he flipped me the bird I made a a loud noise and the manager looked up just in time to see the questionable digit raised towards me. That got him busted good.

Me: Hey Randy, your mom told me to tell you hi.
Randy: Leave my mom out of it.
Me: Hey, your mom kinda brings herself into it every time she leans up against that street pole.


Me: Hey Randy, there's a new invention. Maybe you've heard of it. It's called a sit-up.
Randy: Sit-up?
Me: Yeah, you lie on your back, flex your abs. Helps get rid of your fat little belly, except you have to do more than one.


One of my cohorts at work smacked him with this little gem the other day.

Manager: We're almost done if you guys want to get out of here 15 minutes early today.
Randy: I ain't cuttin' 15 minutes. You can't make me.
Cohort: Geez Randy if you leave early, you can get home, rub one out, and get out of your mom's room before she wakes up.

Also any combination of Frenchman, douchebag and asshole is hurled at Randy whenever possible.
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Antropov
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Post by Antropov »

Damn,EP.That shits fucking great. The best part? There's a fag in my office named Randy. Jesus, we don't work at the same place, do we?! [crazed]
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jjreason
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Post by jjreason »

Fuck me, that is hilarious. The Randy in my mind is the character on Trailer Park Boys - maybe Mabs will see this and agree - but they fit him to a T as well. The name Randy seems to bring up the bile in folks I guess.
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vynsane
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Post by vynsane »

and rando! sit down, rando!
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mabudon
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Post by mabudon »

Yes JJ, I get the "shirtless putz" mental image every time the name comes up, that show has ruined a LOT of stuff for me, scarred me clean little brain forever (PS any luck getting episode 7 of the new season yet?????)
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jjreason
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Post by jjreason »

I think we're still a couple of weeks away, man. I keep checking, I don't want to miss it. As soon as I have it all together, I'll dub it and send it out.
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jjreason
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Post by jjreason »

Where has this topic been??? The new #1 most favoritist thing I can't wait to say to somebody at work has GOT to be:

"Don't you know who the fuck I am? I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch!!!!"
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Eternal Padawan
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Post by Eternal Padawan »

Okay. So there's this program at careerbuilder.com called Monk-e-mail. You can choose a picture of a chimpanzee, add different clothes and backgrounds and stuff. Then you text to voice whatever you want him to say. i think it's designed to send out thank yous and good jobs and stuff like that but we've been using it to send vile sexual filled dirt-e-mails like "I want your sweaty balls slapping against my taint while I finger your sexy shithole." Why? because it's FUCKING FUNNY to see and hear a chimpanzee saying this in computer monotone voice. Anyway, sometimes it talks to fast and you have to break it up with periods. And we'd write "suck my balls, bitch" at the end it has to be "Suck my balls. Bitch." Well hearing this "bitch" at the end is just so final sounding and hilarious. So now at work whatever we say to anyone, We cap it off with an emotionless. Bitch.
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Slimmie
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Post by Slimmie »

Good find. Thats some funny shit. I'm gonna have to watch myself, this could get outta hand. Bitch.
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