The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

uh, y'know, the sounds that sound good together... sometimes... and sometimes sounds like the disgusting "squish squish" sound Slicker's mom makes whenever she walks

Moderators: Batman, Zero, John Madden, Bob Ross, General Zod, Richard Simmons

User avatar
Ran
(includes alternate sneering hissy fit head sculpt)
Posts: 8772
Joined: Sat Jan 14, 2006 1:46 pm
Location: barking up the wrong tree

The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

Post by Ran »

I think there have been threads on here in the past from this guy's blog on yahoo. He makes lists regarding music. I thought I'd put it here for 2 reasons. First, anyone can do this crap. Second, it mentions Raven and I thought that would get a reply from Mabs.

The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!
With the impending doom of Loutallica and its 19-minute "Junior Dad" lurking in the pre-release shadows, it's time to list the Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time. (For those blissfully unaware, Loutallica is the forthcoming Lou Reed / Metallica album that no one is looking forward to.)
In order to qualify for "Worst Heavy Metal Album," the band in question needed to be somewhat famous. After all, why kick a band when it's down, who were never up in the first place?
I would like to thank my crack team for helping out here. Special shout out to two very serious metal veterans, John Chernack of the legendary and deliberately misspelled Fantom Warior and Joey Leshko from the classic heavy metal band Back From The Dead. They didn't wish to speak ill of fellow metal bands. But they coughed up a couple here. I'm not telling you which ones so you can't blame them!
The comments below are mine. So blame me for insulting your beloved album. But, really, if you're going to get mad about someone slamming Music From "The Freakin' Elder," how much of a true metalhead can you be?
All Van Halen albums with Sammy Hagar qualify for this list. But that was too obvious.
Do NOT bang your head to any of the following.

10) Kiss - Music From "The Elder": There comes a time in every young man's life where he must confront the fact that some bands aren't meant to evolve, because when they do, they're worse. New drummer Eric Carr showed up just in time to be part of the worst album in the KISS catalog. It's a concept album, based on an idea from the man who would put his name on anything if it generated a buck, Gene Simmons. Before Loutallica, Lou Reed co-wrote three of the songs here. I guess, even crappiness takes practice!
Purchase instead: Kiss, Hotter Than Hell, Dressed to Kill, Alive!, Alive II, and a KISS pinball machine and/or coffin.

9) Def Leppard - Slang: The 1980s were over. Just as big hair looked kinda dumb and dated while everyone was flyin' the flannel, so, too, did big super-precise productions sound ill-fitted for the new decade when everyone whined. So, after Adrenalize sounded tired, Def Leppard went back to basics. Even drummer Rick Allen used an acoustic kit. But no one buys Def Leppard albums for their natural tone. Metal dudes buy them because their girlfriends like them. And their girlfriends miss the grand productions like they secretly miss their big hair! Be who you are!
Purchase instead: High ‘n' Dry and a case of Aqua-Net hairspray.

8) Motley Crue - Motley Crue: Along those lines, who buys a Motley Crue album for John Corabi? At least, the band didn't waste any good songs on their new singer. What kind of world is it where you wish Vince Neil would come back?
Purchase instead: Dr. Feelgood and life insurance.

7) Black Sabbath - Never Say Die: I remember how much people hated Ronnie James Dio when he first joined up with Black Sabbath. It was considered sacrilege. Who would dare take Ozzy's place in this great band? But then you listen to their last album together and you realize that it's probably a good idea if these guys start seeing less of each other. Supposedly, there already were, which is why this album sounds like no one wanted to finish it.
Purchase instead: Black Sabbath, Paranoid, Master of Reality, Vol. 4, Sabotage and Quaaludes.

6) Raven - The Pack Is Back: Raven were building a strong base back in the early 1980s, but then, like so many bands who wanted to stay employed, they listened to their record company and made this, this...thing, complete with a cover of the Spencer Davis Group's "Gimme Some Lovin'." Because everyone knows you break an underground metal band with a Stevie Winwood song. Stay Hard began the descent (This was a band that once headlined over Metallica and Anthrax.). But The Pack Is Back is like one of those horrible Sly Stone albums where the title tells their audience, "No, Really, We Don't Suck Anymore!" But, sadly, they do!
Purchase instead: Rock Until You Drop, Wiped Out and some crayons to make a better album cover.

5) Iron Maiden - Fear of the Dark: You really have to worry about a metal band that develops a fear of the dark. What are we, three years old? They also developed a fear of writing anything you could remember. Unlike the good ol' days where these guys sounded like they were galloping through the hills ready for war, here, they sound like they're galloping in circles trying to find who to blame for this mess.
Purchase instead: Iron Maiden, Killers, Number of the Beast, Piece of Mind and a lifesize "Eddie."

4) Twisted Sister - Come Out and Play: Twisted Sister were one of those bands whose records I would find in the cutout bin while they were still on the album charts. Someone wanted these guys to be huge! So much so that they had the band record a cover of "Leader of the Pack," which I guess is a step-up from an original called "Be Chrool To Your Scuel." Docked a point for writing "I Believe in Rock ‘n' Roll." Don't sing about it, fellas! Play some!
Purchase instead: Under the Blade, You Can't Stop Rock n' Roll and a one-way ticket to Long Island. Live the dream!

3) Ozzy Osbourne - Bark At the Moon: There are certain rules to heavy metal that must be observed. The first rule is FIRE THE KEYBOARD PLAYER. Let him join a progressive rock or pop band where he belongs. Back in the 1980s, you could determine a heavy metal album's terribleness by the amount of cheesy synthesizer used on it. Maybe we need to cut Ozzy some slack here. He did lose his guitar player Randy Rhoads, but then again maybe Ozzy should refund me the money I wasted on this album. When in doubt, ask What Would Lemmy Do? (Answer: Lemmy would FIRE THE KEYBOARD PLAYER.)
Purchase instead: Blizzard of Ozz, Diary of A Madman and Aleister Crowley's castle.

2) Guns N' Roses - Chinese Democracy: Anyone who tells you this album was "worth the wait" is likely still under contract with W. Axl Rose or trying to justify paying real money for it. After taking a century's worth of work, the album was about what you'd expect from a Guns N' Roses with no Slash, no Izzy, no Duff. If you enjoy this, you probably thought "Civil War" needed more piano.
Purchase instead: Appetite for Destruction and anger management courses.

1) Metallica - Load, Reload, St. Anger: It's a three-way tie for first (or last, depending on how you see this). The band that defined metal for a new generation of fans sounded confused for Load, and its baby brother Reload and tinny and constipated for St. Anger. It almost makes you like the album they made with the orchestra.
Purchase instead: Kill ‘Em All, Ride The Lightning, Master of Puppets, ...And Justice For All and Some Kind Of Monster to help things become clear.
User avatar
anarky
sometimes not actually existing
Posts: 17590
Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2002 4:50 pm
Location: Fucking shit up, yo!

Re: The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

Post by anarky »

Funny, someone posted the same list at another site, and I responded to it there first. I was actually about to shoot mabs a message that he might want to respond as well.

Here's my two cents, verbatim since I'm too damned lazy to re-word it:
Couldn't disagree more. (Well, I could, but not much more.) I happen to love Music from the Elder (Lou Reed and KISS? C'mon!), and Slang is an underrated gem of a metal band trying out the grunge sound. (Not to mention that both KISS and Def Leppard have both recorded far worse.) Never Say Die is a classic, and, even if Chinese Democracy, Bark at the Moon, and Fear of the Dark aren't exactly the greatest, I'd hesitate to say they're the worst. St. Anger is a real suckfest of repetition, but Load and ReLoad are both very good albums if you don't fall into the "old Metallica vs new Metallica" trap. (Hilarious that they recommend "Some Kind of Monster" instead of St. Anger, though, since it's an EP of live songs including one from St. Anger!)

Surprised to not see Van Halen 3 on the list; even though I personally think it shouldn't belong, both pro-Dave and pro-Sammy fans seem to loathe it equally.
I mean, really, you could practically include any Anthrax album after Sound of White Noise. Subhuman Race from Skid Row is a major contender, as would be Biohazard's self-titled debut. And are we counting Joan Jett as heavy metal, at least during her late 80s "I'm going to try to sound like hair metal" stage? Because no matter how much I love her to death, nothing can change the fact that Notorious sucks ass and Up Your Alley would be no better if you take away the two hits ("Little Liar" and "I Hate Myself for Loving You").
Image
*--For behavior unbecoming anyone, perpetrated in real time over an extended--AH, FUCK IT! MORE MALIBU, BITCHES!!
User avatar
Ran
(includes alternate sneering hissy fit head sculpt)
Posts: 8772
Joined: Sat Jan 14, 2006 1:46 pm
Location: barking up the wrong tree

Re: The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

Post by Ran »

10. Never heard the Kiss album.
9. He could of picked any album from Def Leppard after Pyromania. I have Adrenalize and Retro Active, neither really held up. Don't remember liking Slang at all. You could even argue that they aren't even "heavy metal"
8. Don't care. Never liked Motley Crue.
7. Never heard that particular Sabbath album
6. Haven't listened to enough Raven to form an opinion.
5. Surprised they didn't pick Seventh Son of a Seventh Son. If someone is going to poop on Maiden, it is usually that one.
4. Never heard this album.
3. As I've gotten older, I've listened to less Ozzy. The only one I listen to anymore is the Randy Rhodes tribute album, and that isn't very often.
2. Don't care. Not an Axle Rose fan.
1. Metallica got progressivly worse. Load isn't as bad as Load. Reload isn't as bad as St. Anger. Only heard a couple songs from Death Magnetic. Wanted to like it, but it just didn't do anything for me. I still like Metallica up to Justice, but that's about it. I don't even listen to the Black album anymore. It is ok, just overrated and was overplayed.
User avatar
anarky
sometimes not actually existing
Posts: 17590
Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2002 4:50 pm
Location: Fucking shit up, yo!

Re: The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

Post by anarky »

That Crue album does suck. There was one good song, "Hooligan's Holiday," but I got that on a compilation years ago, and that's the extent of that album I need.


For Leppard, I've actually never cared for the first two albums that much. I know they're more "metal," but I always thought DL was best once they crossed to pop. I would pick Adrenalize; it's just a weak re-tread of Hysteria, which (along with Pyromania) are their best by far. Retro-Active, I thought, was too carbon-copy; the "bonus disc" sold only at Wal-Mart had a Tom Petty cover and a Queen cover, and was much better than the actual album. (So were the live covers that were Target exclusives on their version of the CD.)

Chinese Democracy could never live up to the hype. Doesn't matter that it was essentially an Axl solo album, people expected Appetite for Destruction II. It's not a great album, and Axl is a pompous douchebag, but it's selling it short to say it's one of the ten worst of all time. (It's also unfair to simply say "Buckethead is no Slash." No, he's not. But, stupid KFC hat or not, he's pretty badass.)

Never Say Die is kinda like Technical Ecstasy--no one's heard them. But Sabbath has never recorded a bad album, and Ozzy-era and Dio-era Sabbath never recorded an album that was merely "okay." It's no Paranoid or Volume IV, but it's frickin' awesome.

Music from the Elder is a concept album, sort of a half-baked stab at Pink Floyd, and the production is really stuck in the early 80s. People just want dumb fun from KISS, even when they prove that they can occasionally rise above that. Check out "World Without Heroes"; it's very un-KISS, but awesome:


The only Ozzy I find myself listening to regularly anymore are Blizzard of Ozz, and, oddly, the post-Ozzmosis albums. That doesn't mean the other stuff, no matter how cheesy, is "bad," though.

Do people really dislike Seventh Son of a Seventh Son? For real? That's my favorite Maiden album, and I've yet to hear any Iron Maiden I don't like.
Image
*--For behavior unbecoming anyone, perpetrated in real time over an extended--AH, FUCK IT! MORE MALIBU, BITCHES!!
User avatar
Ran
(includes alternate sneering hissy fit head sculpt)
Posts: 8772
Joined: Sat Jan 14, 2006 1:46 pm
Location: barking up the wrong tree

Re: The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

Post by Ran »

anarky wrote: Do people really dislike Seventh Son of a Seventh Son? For real? That's my favorite Maiden album, and I've yet to hear any Iron Maiden I don't like.
I think so. Waiting for Mabs to come in and correct me. I believe the knock is that it is considered more commercial than their other albums.
User avatar
mabudon
I HAVE THE POWER!!!
Posts: 2771
Joined: Sat Sep 28, 2002 5:23 pm
Location: Canada

Re: The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

Post by mabudon »

Fear of the Dark is a pretty shitty album, very much a "sellout". Seventh Son is totally a fine album, and I would say it is nowhere near their most commercial nor worst- No prayer for the dying, virtual XI (and whatever the shitfest was that came before IX), all are worse and far more commercial. Seventh Son had a couple of tunes that are actually legitimate classic Iron Maiden and is quite a listenable album, nuff said.

I think "Elder" is a goofy piece of shit and that is all I can say about it. Also calling it a "heavy metal album" is pretty ridiculous, KISS played rock (some hints of metal on tunes like "God of Thunder" an the like, but all their real hits were totally Rock)

The Def Leppard and Crue entries- ehh, neither were totally incredible or anything, but they are not terrible.

That RAVEN album is actually REALLY lame overall, it has like synth "horn" breakdowns and shit. There are a few tunes that I like despite the goofiness, but I fully agree with the recommendations given, and would actually suggest anything that came before "Pack is back" and much of what came after, a real low point for a truly awesome band.

Come out and Play- man overall Twisted Sister had mostly crap tunes, their best outing is probably "What you don't know sure can hurt you" and "Destroyer" (likely you have heard neither) but even "we're not gonna take it" is cheesy beyond repair. I don't dislike it, nostalgia and all (my uncle was a school teacher at the time and thought T/S was trying to destroy society with that video, which, even at a young age, I took to be totally ridiculous- now they are using that tune for like insurance ads and car commercials so whatever)

Bark at the Moon- I honestly must say it is a goofy album, I am not much of a fan of Ozzy just for Ozzys sake- he seems to have the same cachet as Lemmy in the public eye, which is just plain ridiculous.

Chinese Democracy- I liked the first 2 GnR albums a whole bunch, then nothing after. Never heard it, never wanted to, so nothing to say but I am sure it sucks donkey balls.

Metallica- I dunno why they left "S+M" off since that album was a laughable piece of shit. I can't stand anything after "And Justice" and even that album is on the bubble. The entire Metallica thing was Burton and whatever they had leftover from Mustaine. Once those influences left, Metallica became a totally different band, and you could really tell on the black album who was responsible for their signature sound and most of their ideas, too bad it was from the absence of same.

I will have to think of what else belongs on there. Oddly enough, I would say Motorhead "Another Perfect Day" kinda fits on here. They added a guitarist who was ex Thin Lizzy, and it drastically changed things, with all sorts of flowery guitar and far more complex song structures. It was SO poorly received that they pretty much dumped the new guitarist and went right back to making classic Motorhead with the truly excellent (although also their most commercial effort) "Orgasmatron".


Also, I find it odd that somehow Raven was important enough to make the list, as most people I know, even folks who like metal in general, have never heard of them.
Vince, NO!!!!!

I just ripped off most of your pubes!!
User avatar
Ran
(includes alternate sneering hissy fit head sculpt)
Posts: 8772
Joined: Sat Jan 14, 2006 1:46 pm
Location: barking up the wrong tree

Re: The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

Post by Ran »

Of all the bands on there, Raven is by far the most obscure. With all the bands that came out in the late 80s, there seems like there were more mainstream choices. I hadn't heard of Raven until you mentioned them to me a couple years back.

There are a lot of Maden albums on my iPod. (Been meaning to acquire "Final Frontier"). My iPod is on shuffle, so I can never keep track of what song is on what album. One episode of That Metal Show a few seasons ago had them briefly talking about Maiden albums. They seemed to like one less than others. I know it was one from the late 80s-early 90s, but couldn't remember which one.

He mentioned Van Halen (specifically the Hagar version) in his introduction, but didn't put them on the list. Not sure if they can be called "Heavy Metal" either.
User avatar
anarky
sometimes not actually existing
Posts: 17590
Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2002 4:50 pm
Location: Fucking shit up, yo!

Re: The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

Post by anarky »

I always found this to be the most underrated Maiden song. (Well, not "always," since it's relatively recent, but it blew me away the first time I heard it and has never gotten old.)
Image
*--For behavior unbecoming anyone, perpetrated in real time over an extended--AH, FUCK IT! MORE MALIBU, BITCHES!!
User avatar
anarky
sometimes not actually existing
Posts: 17590
Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2002 4:50 pm
Location: Fucking shit up, yo!

Re: The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

Post by anarky »

Fuck, it always kills me when idiots put copyrighted stuff that they don't own on YouTube and disable embedding. :roll:

I notice mabs and I are in slight disagreement. I have to concur that KISS isn't exactly "metal" enough to be on a proper list of heavy metal. I'd make the argument against Def Leppard, too, since their best stuff was their poppier rock stuff.

As for GNR, I'd highly recommend searching out the solo albums by Izzy Stradlin (particularly Izzy Stradlin & The Ju Ju Hounds and 117) and Gilby Clarke (especially Pawn Shop Guitars). Definitely not metal, but they're the best post-GNR work by any GNR members, Velvet Revolver and Slash's solo stuff included. Duff's first album (Believe In Me) is some pretty fun stuff, too, if you don't mind copious amounts of cheese (every song, I think has to include pointless f-bombs and random instances of him mumble-screaming some variation on "I sit here with a bottle in my hand!")

Fuck, it's so goddamned cheesy that the (otherwise unknown, IIRC) rapper can't even fucking name-drop Ice CUBE properly. (Ice-T never said "A bitch is a bitch.")
Image
*--For behavior unbecoming anyone, perpetrated in real time over an extended--AH, FUCK IT! MORE MALIBU, BITCHES!!
User avatar
Sleazer
megatron
Posts: 1107
Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:51 pm

Re: The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

Post by Sleazer »

The only redeeming quality I find in '"The Elder" is that World Without Heroes worked pretty well on the Unplugged album...I like it in that setting. Otherwise, I think mabs is being too kind by calling it "goofy." :lol:
User avatar
anarky
sometimes not actually existing
Posts: 17590
Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2002 4:50 pm
Location: Fucking shit up, yo!

Re: The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

Post by anarky »

You're not going to at least give props for "Escape From the Island" (AKA "Ace Frehley Doesn't Give A Shit About This Album And Its Concept, So Here's A 3-Minute Solo To Keep Him On Board For One More Record")?
Image
*--For behavior unbecoming anyone, perpetrated in real time over an extended--AH, FUCK IT! MORE MALIBU, BITCHES!!
User avatar
anarky
sometimes not actually existing
Posts: 17590
Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2002 4:50 pm
Location: Fucking shit up, yo!

Re: The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

Post by anarky »

Damnation, I mixed up "Retro-Active" with "Yeah!" Two very different albums there. D'oh!

"All Van Halen albums with Sammy Hagar qualify for this list. But that was too obvious."
Yeah, gonna call bullshit. The older I get, the more I appreciate Hagar. Judging them strictly on the music and not the raw deal Roth got, the Hagar albums are good--maybe not as metal as the early ones, which I wouldn't consider metal to begin with, but worth listening to over and over. I've decided that the popularity of a lead singer in Van Halen is inversely proportional to the talent. Hagar can sing rings around Roth (who is a great frontman, but not very good as a singer), and Cherone could beat Hagar in a singing competition with his tongue tied behind his back.
Image
*--For behavior unbecoming anyone, perpetrated in real time over an extended--AH, FUCK IT! MORE MALIBU, BITCHES!!
User avatar
RoIIo Tomassi
I HAVE THE POWER!!!
Posts: 2536
Joined: Sun Oct 28, 2007 6:09 am
Location: Hollywood

Re: The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

Post by RoIIo Tomassi »

The only time I've seen VH in concert, Hagar was in the band. And I found the concert thoroughly enjoyable.
"Say Jim! Whoo! That is a bad outfit! Whoooo!"
User avatar
anarky
sometimes not actually existing
Posts: 17590
Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2002 4:50 pm
Location: Fucking shit up, yo!

Re: The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

Post by anarky »

Hagar sang the Roth stuff when he was in VH, because he can.

Roth won't sing the Hagar stuff, because he's not able to.

I'm not joking about that.

No idea if Cherone sang either Roth or Hagar, or if that version of VH even played live. But if you're ever heard an Extreme album, you know I ain't bullshitting when I say he's an amazing singer.
Image
*--For behavior unbecoming anyone, perpetrated in real time over an extended--AH, FUCK IT! MORE MALIBU, BITCHES!!
User avatar
RoIIo Tomassi
I HAVE THE POWER!!!
Posts: 2536
Joined: Sun Oct 28, 2007 6:09 am
Location: Hollywood

Re: The Ten Worst Heavy Metal Albums of All-Time!

Post by RoIIo Tomassi »

Who doesn't like rocking out to "Get The Funk Out"?

"Say Jim! Whoo! That is a bad outfit! Whoooo!"
Post Reply