Dumbass stuff you've not done that'd be funny

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anarky
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Dumbass stuff you've not done that'd be funny

Post by anarky »

Wouldn't it be frigging hilarious to go into Wal-Mart and when the decrepit old guy greeter says, "Welcome to Wal-Mart; how are you doing?" if you got this super-pissed look on your face, walked over to him, got to within an inch of his face, and said in a low voice, "Don't make me rip your spleen out, you fucking dumbass piece of dog shit!!"
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kidhuman
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Post by kidhuman »

LMAO That is funny shit. I always wanted my wife to push me around Wal-Mart in a wheelchair while I acted like an invalid, screaming obsenities and drooling on myself. She says no!!!! I say Why not. Hey Anarky, maybe we should get together and do these 2 things.
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mabudon
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Post by mabudon »

Oooohhhh, my list in this category is pretty long, thankfully
I always wanted to eat a few cans of corn and beans and then puke it up all over the counter of 7-11 when this one mean old lady was working... the bitch would card me trying to buy tobacco EVERY TIME, even though I am obviously older than 18 and I had been going to that store for 20 years... I woulda had to have been like 2 years old when she first saw me to be underage...

I always wanted to go to the local highly overpriced supermarket with my tool hanging out... I also HATE that place...
I wanted to throw a brick through Lannies front window with a note sayin "Get out LANNY" (on an aside, calling lanny by name is fucking hailrious... I have had a few altercations where I used the name repeatedly, the weird hunted look it invokes is fucking priceless, try it!!)

This one is sorta bad... my buddy and I just thought of it the other day... go to a funeral and try to start a round of applause after a prayer... it would be wrong, but for some reason we thought it would be funny
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Eternal Padawan
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Post by Eternal Padawan »

I want to start an argument with someone about treating me unfairly or whatever and then get really loud and say "It's because I'm gay isn't it? You're a homophobe!!"

or even funnier "it's because I'm black isn't it?"
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jjreason
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Post by jjreason »

I would love to work in a restaurant and do horrid shit to peoples food. Im sorry, but for the most part people eating in resaurants treat the servers like shit (especially where drinking is involved) that it would be just sweet to be back in the kitchen "spicing up" those natchos - and better yet watching as the cocksuckers greedily dig into whatever horror you've created. "Fuck man, these natchos are THE BEST!!!!!!!!!" AaaaaaaaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Take that fuckers!!!!!!!!!!!
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mabudon
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Post by mabudon »

I just thought of a dumb funny thing I'm going to do... whenever I fuck something up royally in the presence of people I don't know (like in line at the supermarket) I'm going to turn and make eye contact with as many people as a single sweep will allow, saying "Well, I think we cal ALL learn something from this" DEAD seriously.... I'm freaky enough looking that it would scare the grey hair right outta most local citizens' heads... people around here are so paranoid it's almost sad
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jjreason
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Post by jjreason »

That will be sublime....... be accusatory, like you're daring them NOT to learn from it.....
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anarky
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Post by anarky »

mabudon, that sorta reminds me: I've got a friend who looks almost exactly like all the pictures you see of Jesus. He had talked about (but never did, sadly) walking into a downtown New Year's Eve celebration on 12/31/99 around midnight dressed in white robes. That would've really freaked people out!!
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mabudon
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Post by mabudon »

Dammit, anarky, with the right grooming I shoulda done that... well, just 990 something years til my next chance...
oh yeah..... confronting people with something they SHOULD know, by your tone of voice, but can't fathom is funny...

Another one that I should have done, similar to anarky's walmart post... in the same hated grocery store, called "superfresh" (in itself a cruel joke, much of their produce is coated in thick layers of wax, keeping it "fresh" but not FRESH).. they were running a contest, where at certain intervals they would say over the P.A. "The first shopper to come to the courtesy window and say 'I'm fresh obsessed' wins a prize"
I SO wanted to "shop" in there til the announcement was read, then drop everything and break into a dead run, dodging and shoving and stuff, then get to the window, tear my shirt off and with a wild look in my eyes yell "I'm FUCKIN CRAZY!!!!".... that would go over well... one time I was waiting in this real long line there with a single bag of frozen hashbrowns, and after about 10 minutes of the stuff melting in my hands while this trainee messed up the register so bad it had to be cracked open and fixed, I dramatically tossed the hashbrowns into a candy display and yelled "Jesus Fuckin CHRIST" and strode out... the looks were priceless....
Another one which is sorta funny... me and Jedielf were walking back from shopping with a bunch of stuff... I was wearing my shades so ya can't see where my eyes are at... this old woman eases her car up into the walkway, ready to make a right turn on the green, totally oblivious to our right-of-way... FUCK I hate ignorant drivers.. anyways, jedielf was behind me and I thought it was the right time... I just walked right into the car, curled up, conked my head off the hood and flailed my arms, then "collected" myself and just kept walking like some blind guy or something.... shoulda seen her face... jedielf freaked out for a second, too, as she thought I somehow didn;t see the car... I have kicked and punched many cars in similar circumstances, it always shocks the HELL out of the driver, but usually they are like "What??".... good thing for them I'm a law abiding citizen, the fear is enough for me
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Eternal Padawan
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Post by Eternal Padawan »

That was classic, Carl. landing on the car. i wish i could have seen that.

One time me and a co-worker were getting off work at the same time and while we were wating in line at the checkout, I turned to him and said "I've still got some vaseline from last time, but it's your turn to bring the goat..." He almost lost it he was gonna laugh so hard, and the old biddy of a cashier had this horrified expression on her face.

The next time we were in line (different cashier) I said "Man, my asshole STILL hurts..."

Wal-Mart? I would love to be in there and tell somebody I haven't been in a Wal-mart since Mr. Sam cornered me in the restroom and molested me when I was 8 years old, but my therapist says it's good to confront my fear of the place.

Also, there's a book called 'Wal-mart is ruining America and the World' i would love to sit in their Radio Grill and read it while enjoying a burger and fries. it'd be even better to read it in the breakroom.
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Eternal Padawan
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Post by Eternal Padawan »

Speaking of doing stuff to people's food. I was working in a Chuck E. Cheese pizza joint, and it was a slow Monday night so we started closing everything down and throwing out all the dough and stuff. 10 minutes to close an ENTIRE high school football team comes in the door ( think Letter jackets and big appetites.) The kitchen supervisor yelled the loudest "MOTHER FUCKER!" I have ever heard when we got the ticket to make the pizzas. I am sure they heard him out in the restaurant. i was laughing so hard when he scraped all the leftover stuff out of the catchlip on the end of the table and dumped it on their Supreme. Then he went over and dumped all the ashtrays in it too. I was on the floor.
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kidhuman
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Post by kidhuman »

Oh man that is funny shit EP. I was working in Roy Rogers when I was 17. We had a huge catering order to fill of like 250 2 piece fried chicken meals. It was Saturday night, and the fucking busiest it ever had been, with everyone waiting for fried chicken. It was like 10 minutes in between trays at that point. The chinese guy Howie took the new tray out of the warmer and dropped it right on the floor. The manager looked at him and said "I know you are gonna do the right thing!!!" Howie reached for the garbage can and he said "No, Do The Right Thing" So I went over there and put it back on the tray and served it up.

Another kid Steven was working the grill and the burgers were all dried out. The manager told him to get rid of them because they were dry. He took them and stuck them into the grease trap and took em out. He put them on buns and served. He then looked at me and said "They aint dry no more" I wanted to hurl.

I have seen some sick and nasty shit in fast food restaraunts. I try to eat there as little as possible, unless they make the food fresh.
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Eternal Padawan
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Post by Eternal Padawan »

Do The Right Thing! Hey, 5 second rule right? And that floor was mopped thoroughly, like what? The night before? So it was kinda sorta clean...

The burger thing is nasty, though. :puke:
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Post by Troopersmo »

ok.. hmmm.. fucked up things.. well, these are things that we've done. The best show. electric doors. They rule. Park semi close, or close enough to where you can watch the doors - go in, grab a soda, and as you walk out - hit the switch. Head back to the car and watch the show. A good half hour of non-stop people walking head-first into the door. Hil-fuckin-larious.. Its actually been awhile since Ive turned off the electric doors anywhere.. I may have to do that soon.

As for food service, Ive seen some things.. and done some things... nothing too major - as in gross. Sunday brunch ( worked in a decent establishment ) myself ( waiting tables ) and my buddy ( cooking ) were getting everything set up when we realized there was no brandy for the brandied raisins and oatmeal.. ( told you it was a decent place..) so.. we decided since we were both HUGE Jack Daniels fans at the time.. that it would make a great substitute.. so we dosed these raisins pretty heavy - and let them soak. no biggie.. well. The 1st group to walk in is a 6 top, with two kids, young guys, maybe 10, and 14.. and what do they order? The oatmeal. I knew this was going to be fun.. my buddy decides that they dont have enough raisins in the oatmeal, and loads them up. You coulda smelled the oatmeal reeking from alchol.. but they didnt seem to mind. I swear to this day Ive never seen two kids eat oatmeal so fast. I hope that I didnt turn them into alcholics. It was pretty freakin funny to watch them walk out.


Its fun to walk through the mall and act like you have turretts. shameless fun.

standing in line at the store - you always get the impatient one pushing the cart into you - as if you could move up any further.. I like to make loud fart noises then look back at them. They back off pretty quick.


As for things Id love to do? Take a group of paintballers into walmart and start a capture the flag war.. THAT would be awesome.
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jjreason
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Post by jjreason »

I think next time I go to a car accident (as long as no one's hurt) Im going to pick one of the witnesses and say "Well, today you're going to be the cop." and drive away. The only problem is I won't be able to see what happens.
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