Make our own EU

okay i can hear you now. and i don't want to. why don't you go fuck slicker's mom and get out of my face?

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Ran
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Re: Make our own EU

Post by Ran »

Putting this in its proper location. And, in the spirit of George Lucas, it is revised after its initial release. Unlike Mr. Lucas, I'm not going back to do any prequels.

Episode I

Hick Namlin and Lohn Jindquist are not typical Jawas as they are both over two meters tall. Tall to Jawas is what dwarfism is to humans. The other Jawas are frequently ridiculed and not allow to participate in various Jawa games. Due to their lack of popularity with the rest of the Jawas, they live together in a hut at the edge of the main Jawa settlement. The pair were always assigned to menial tasks such as hauling scrap metal and spare parts.

One day, Sandpeople attack. Hick Namlin and Lohn Jindquist hear the commotion and come out of their hovel screaming "UTINNI!" Sandpeople, who are easily startled, shit their robes and leave. Namlin and Jindquist become instant heroes and part of epic tales among Jawas all over Tatooine.

Episode II

Namlin and Jindquist enjoy their celebrity status among the other Jawas at first. Unfortunately for the duo, Jawa traders tend to stretch the truth. As word of Namlin and Jindquist's accomplishment spreads, the embellishment grows. Soon, the legend of the two heroes nearly elevates their deeds to the level of Gods. One tale went as far as having them slay a Kryant Dragon. While it was a very good story, it couldn't be further from the truth.

Jawa scavengers would come from all over to visit them and ask them for favors, blessings, or advice. One group on their way back from the Toshi Station - Mos Eisley area asked for aid in fixing a white and orange R5 unit they had recently acquired. The traders said the droid was almost sold to a farmer and his nephew, but the motivator blew. They went on to tell Namlin and Jindquist how Jawas in the region had been under attack recently by Sandpeople and Stormtroopers. Hick and Lohn hauled the droid to the back of their hovel. Neither was a particularly good mechanic, but they wanted to help out. They accessed a droid repair hologram and began to work. During the repair process, one of them accidentally changed the page of the hologram to Super Battle Droid. When they finished, the R5 droid had blasters mounted to his leg and a secret missile launcher. This R5 protected Jawa traders for many years afterward.
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anarky
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Re: Make our own EU

Post by anarky »

I hereby dub thee "Mabudon Jr." :lol:
Ran wrote:One tale went as far as having them slay a Kryant Dragon. While it was a very good story, it couldn't be further from the truth.
I think you meant Krayyt, but I think it's funnier if the people telling the tale made up a new fucking kind of giant dragon just for Namlin and Jindquist to vanquish. (The actual story was based on the time they caught Snaggletooth drunk, passed out on the hood of their landspeeder, and politely asked him to leave, which he did, quite embarrassed.)
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Ran
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Re: Make our own EU

Post by Ran »

Kryant is the Jawaneese spelling of Krayyt.
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Tom Foolery
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Re: Make our own EU

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I think I'm turning Jawanese.
I think I'm turning Jawanese.
I really think so.
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Re: Make our own EU

Post by vynsane »

i like how Namlin kind of sounds like Nambla.
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anarky
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Re: Make our own EU

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Time for new shit.

General Hux wanted to open the best damn discotheque in the Unknown Regions (which he hoped would become fully known and renamed "the Disco Regions"). It never caught on, though. Infuriated at losing his entire home planet's fortunes in his unfinished attempt to turn a planet into a disco ball, he joined with the First Order and let them use the finished portion of Abbaooine as Starkiller Base's cannon.

Why did Kylo go Dark Side? The first time Han saw him kissing a boy, he spanked him and yelled at him in front of all his Jedi classmates, "I ain't raising no queerboy!" (Corellians are notoriously homophobic.)
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Re: Make our own EU

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Supreme Leader Snoke's personal physician is Dr. Evazan.
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Ran
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Re: Make our own EU

Post by Ran »

A side effect of being hit by a stun gun is that 35 years later, your face becomes partially paralyzed and you are unable to show emotion.

Maz Kanata is just a really really old Minion.
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Re: Make our own EU

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Kanjiklub was started when Kanji Khan was a little kid and wanted to name his treehouse. It slowly evolved over time into the galaxy's premier underworld organization. Even Jabba the Hutt was proud to have gotten his Kanjiklub iron-on transfers.

Tasu Leech hates Han Solo. He really, really hates him. This goes back many years, to a dare his subordinate, Borsh-Borsch Quumkat, made to the entire gang: the first member of Kanjiklub to speak Basic in the presence of Han Solo has to buy dinner for the entire gang for a week. For years, none of them have caved. Which severely cramps Tasu's style; he usually talks in surfer slang, with lots of "dudes" and "gnarlys" in his typical speech.

His hatred for Han Solo is so immense, the main focus of Kanjiklub has becomes stealing items from those closest to him and wearing them as trophies. One member always wears Kylo Ren's retainer, another Princess Leia's underwear. Tasu Leech personally is never seen without the floormats from Lando's Milestar.

Also one member belongs to a religion that worships Lobot as a god and really wants cybernetic implants, but can only afford a secondhand toy mask.
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Re: Make our own EU

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Kanjiklub's worst enemy is an all female gang of space prostitutes known as Kuntjiklan, who they refer to as "Des Oso Foolees" ("dem old hos").

Ironically, they are also their best customers. Rasoo Qin Fee (Tasu Leech's top lieutenant) has a tattoo on his lower back which reads "Deta von Kanchikulan" ("tell that to Kuntjiklan"). He worries about his boss seeing it at the annual golf tourny every summer.
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Tom Foolery
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Re: Make our own EU

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First Order Petty Officer Thanisson is the grandchild of Qui Gon Jinn and Handmaiden Sabé, the result of one night aboard the Naboo Royal cruiser. Either on the way to or from Coruscant. To be fair, he thought he was climbing in the Queen's bed at the time.
Afterwards she moved to Coruscant in disgrace and raised her son alone. He grew up despising Jedi as he thought his father had abandoned him and his mother and passed his hatred onto his son who joined the First Order when they announced they were hunting down Luke Skywalker.
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Re: Make our own EU

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Ric will be in Episode VIII. When someone recognizes him and says, "Shouldn't you have died of old age decades ago?" he will sneer and say, "Fuck that." Then he'll have a 3-way with Rey and Phasma.
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Tom Foolery
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Re: Make our own EU

Post by Tom Foolery »

If Phasma leaves the helmet on.
"No Tom Foolery today, Ron. I'm tired of looking at your dreadful, speckled mug."
"Why do you hurt me in this way, Harry?"
”It’s a grid system motherfucker. Eleven up and one over, you simple bitch.”

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anarky
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Re: Make our own EU

Post by anarky »

Mabs had some suggestions. I went even stupider. We improved the fuck out of this picture.

Well, no. The original is still the awfulest.
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Ran
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Re: Make our own EU

Post by Ran »

Mis-reading a notification from the Star Wars Card Trader App gave me an idea. The notification was for a card for a "Recon Droid". I read it as "Retcon Droid". A Retcon Droid seems like it might be useful in the EU.
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