greatest junk email topics of all time...

[Double_G]

I fear for my computer's life.

[vynsane]

i love the emails that make absolutely no sense. always makes me think of mars attacks:

"for dark is the suede that mows like the harvest"

[anarky]

"All winners do not have mini wieners"

[Ran]

Every day at work, I get a summary of junk emails mailed to the "staff". I found out last week that sometimes legitamate emails get tagged with spam, so I've been scrolling through the list of 50+ messages. It is in a table format that shows the sender, Subject, and what the threat is.

Today there was one titled "Bomb her womb from your huge cannon!" from an email address at "@infoelephant.com".

[mabudon]

that has the makings of an epic t-shirt right there

[The Congregation]

HELL YEAH!!!

[kidhuman]

What the fuck is up with the tiles?

[UKWildcat]

Good lord man!

Looks Japanese or something.

[Orbsah Stealth Ninja]

You tulning Japanese, you tulning Japanese, I learry tink so.

It say you have smarr cock rike pigmy and need pirr to glow it biggel! They give you good deal.

Arr hair douche! Oyes!

[anarky]

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a cunt"

I also got a few that were supposed to look like CNN and MSNBC newsletters, with links to lookalike sites that do who-knows-what to your computer. Most had normal-looking subjects, but one was "Breaking News: George Bush says war in Iraq was fun!"

[mabudon]

Just got this one the other day, it's been a while since I saw a really noteworthy one and them weird "stream of consciousness" rambles ceased appearing a long time ago...

Support your custard launcher - Keeping your man's hose steel is no problem when you're dealing with us!

[mabudong]

Code: Select all

MAN HOSE STEEL IS NOT AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF MABUDONG.  MABUDONG IS FABRICATED FROM A MIMETIC POLY-ALLOY.  MABUDONG CAN NOT FORM COMPLEX MACHINES WITH MOVING PARTS BUT CAN FORM SOLID SHAPES LIKE A BASEBALL BAT OR A STRIPPER POLE.  MABUDONG DOES NOT NEED ASSISTANCE.

[anarky]

I got this one this morning, and it was so insanely bad, I laughed my ass off. I have not reformatted it in any way. I left the domain on the spammer's e-mail address but deleted the actual address part. And, yes, the "To" field was blank, which always makes things look legit. And, also yes, it tells me to respond a week in the past:

FBI OFFICE GET BACK TO US IMMEDIATELY IF YOU DONT WANT US TO ARREST YOU FOR YOUR OWN GOOD‏
From: FBI OFFICE ([aspammyaddress]@wf4409gio.homepage.t-online.de)
Medium riskYou may not know this sender.Mark as safe|Mark as junk
Sent: Fri 11/20/09 3:51 PM
To:
ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION FBI HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON, D.C. FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING 935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001 Attention Fund Beneficiary, RE: FBI NOTICE WARNING TO FUND BENEFICIARY It has come to our notice that the International Monetary Fund (IMF),Central Bank of Nigeria/world bank has released 10,5M US dollars into Bank of America USA in your name as the beneficiary being for overdue Inheritant,Lottory,contract payment. The International Monetary Fund (IMF),Central Bank of Nigeria/world bank knowing fully well that they do not have enough facilities to effect this payment to your account, so they used what is known as secret Diplomatic transit payment (S.T.D.P) to pay this fund through wire transfer in order to complete this payment. We have decided to contact you directly to acquire the proper Verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because of the amount involve. Note that the fund is in your name with Bank of America USA, but we ask them not to credit/transfer the fund to you yet, because we need a solid proof and Verifications from you before releasing the funds. In this regards, you are to re-assure and proof to us that the funds you are about to receive is a clean money by sending to us (Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) to satisfy the FBI that the money you are about to receive is legitimate. ================================================================================================================================== Therefore, You are advised to forward the (Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) document to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you don't then let us know so that we will direct and inform you where to obtain the (Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) document and send it to us in order the Bank of America USA to go ahead and release the money to you without any further delay. These Document will be issue to you from our Authorize office.So get back to us immediately if you don’t have the DIST document so that we will inform you the particular place to obtain the DIST document, because we have come to realize that the fund was Authorized by (H.S.B.C) Bank in London. ===================================================================================================================================== An FBI Identification Record and Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Transfer (DIST) often referred to as a Criminal History. Record or Rap Sheet is a listing of certain information taken from fingerprint submissions retained by the FBI in connection with arrests and, in some instances, federal employment, naturalization, or military service. These Condition Is Valid until 15th NOV, 2009 After that, we shall take actions on Canceling the payment and then charge you for illegal funds transfer from Nigerian government. ===================================================================================================================================== GUARANTEE: funds will be released on confirmation of the document. 1. Credit payment instruction: irrevocable credit guarantee. 2. Beneficiary has full power when validation is cleared. 3. Beneficiaries bank in U.S.A., can only release funds. 4. Upon confirmation from the world bank / united nations. 5. Bearers must clear bank protocol and validation request. ==================================================================================================================================== NOTE: We have asked for the above documents to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for the enhancement of public safety, welfare and security of Society while recognizing the importance of individual privacy rights. If you fail to provide the Documents to us, we will charge you with the FBI and take our proper action against you for not proofing to us the legitimate of the fund you are about to receive. The United States Department of Justice Order 556-73 establishes rules and regulations for the subject of an FBI Identification Record to obtain a copy of his or her own Record for review. The FBI Criminal Justice Information Services (CJIS) Division processes these requests to check illegal activities in U.S.A We wait for your prompt response for more directives on my direct email ([spammyaddress]@live.com) Best Regards, Robert Mueller, III FBI Director

[mabudon]

That's a pretty good one- I like how it says that unless you comply you will NOT be getting the money, then at the end says that you will somehow be punished for not getting the money. Sounds like a lose-win-win-lose-win kinda situation

[anarky]

Getting a lot of "FuckBook" spam messages lately. I looked up "fuckbook spam" on Google, and found a site about it. Funny enough, the real site called FuckBook isn't behind this.