The Passion of the Wiley

okay i can hear you now. and i don't want to. why don't you go fuck slicker's mom and get out of my face?

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Re: The Passion of the Wiley

Postby anarky » Wed Oct 03, 2012 2:53 pm

"My favorite is--OH SHIT!!" said Optimus Prime.

"I'm not familiar with Oh Shit," said Cyborg Sammy.

"Really, these silly grammatical jokes are getting old," muttered TIM.

"I'm sorry, guys," explained Optimus Prime. "You see, it's been about three weeks since I died last. I'm overdue!"

"Huh?" asked TIM.

"I have to die at least once every twenty days. It's in my contract. Anyone want to come up with a novel way for me to die this time?"

"Beaten to death by Megatron?" asked Santa.

"Nah, done that."

"How about flying into the bowels of Unicron and blowing yourself up along with him?" asked Cyborg Sammy.

"Nope. Done that, too."

"Howsabout you say you die," said Santa, "only you really stop being Optimus Prime and go back to being Orion Pax, so, in a way, it's a metaphorical 'death' of the Optimus Prime persona?"

"Been there, done that," said Prime. "I even got a t-shirt, but it's in the dirty clothes."

"How about this?" said the Lavender Gay Megatron (who was annoyed that everyone had overlooked him for so long). "This is so stupid, it's got to be new. You play a video game against me--a video game TO THE DEATH--and I cheat, but you're such a tightass that you insist you lost and commit suicide to honor some ridiculous agreement."

"Would you believe I've done that one, too?"

"Holy shit!" said Lavender Gay Megatron. "You mean we've got to come up with something even more absurd than that?"

"Yes," said Prime, "and here's an idea I've been toying with that's absolutely batshit insane, but I'll need your help....
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RoIIo Tomassi
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Re: The Passion of the Wiley

Postby RoIIo Tomassi » Wed Oct 03, 2012 4:31 pm

"...because it will take several years to kick into effect. First we need to hire a douche from an industry that sucks. Like daytime soaps. And make him VP-of Editorial. Then we need to get rid of Paul Levitz, the President of the company who keeps things grounded around here. We'll have to replace him with an uptight bitch who hates comics from our failing indie-film division. Hopefully, she'll take the next steps for us and and promote the soap opera douche to publisher. Hell, he'll be co-publisher with the artist who never actually has time to draw anything but readers love him anyway. And after that, she'll promote the most prolific writer we have to Chief Creative Officer because he has a penchant for killing off other creators' characters but putting editorial 'no kill' clauses on ones he likes. Okay, things are almost in place. Now we just need to hire a shitty Editor in Chief. Preferably somebody that almost bankrupted another major company in the 90s.
I'm sure with these five people in place, they'll come up with a completely absurd way for me to die." explained Optimus.

"When you say 'several years' do you mean real years?" asked Santa "Because I thought we were on a tight clock here."

"I meant sliding timescale years." said Optimus.

"I'm in!" said Gay Megatron "But to do it right we're gonna need a fabulous..."
"Say Jim! Whoo! That is a bad outfit! Whoooo!"

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Re: The Passion of the Wiley

Postby Ran » Wed Oct 03, 2012 8:42 pm

"...clone made up of the DNA of the greatest military leaders of all time in a magnificent violet uniform."

Christopher Walken looks around and says, "So having Nick Nolte kill Optimus in a dunk driving accident is out of the question?"


Everyone in the room stared at Walken in silence. Finally, someone spoke. It was....

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Re: The Passion of the Wiley

Postby anarky » Wed Oct 03, 2012 8:43 pm

...a velociraptor with the mind of Freddie Mercury! (But not the singing voice, sadly.)
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Re: The Passion of the Wiley

Postby RoIIo Tomassi » Wed Oct 03, 2012 9:56 pm

"There's a lot of fruit in this room!" said Velociraptor Freddy.

"oh that's rich. Especially coming from you..." said Lavender Megatron.

"No. Look at this lovely fruit basket someone laid out." said Velociraptor Freddy, pointing at the lovely fruit basket sitting on the table.

"Ooh! An orange!" Santa reached out for the juicy orange in the basket.

"PUT THAT ORANGE BACK!" screamed...
"Say Jim! Whoo! That is a bad outfit! Whoooo!"

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Re: The Passion of the Wiley

Postby The Congregation » Wed Oct 03, 2012 10:53 pm

...Cyborg Sammy, "And don't you come back no more no more no more no mo'. Put that orange back, and don't you come back no mo'!"

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Re: The Passion of the Wiley

Postby Ran » Wed Oct 03, 2012 10:56 pm

"Do you always have that chorus travel with you, Sammy?", asked Santa.

"Well," said Sammy, "let me put it this way...

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Re: The Passion of the Wiley

Postby RoIIo Tomassi » Sat Oct 06, 2012 8:09 pm

"..the last guy that aksed me dat question is sleeping' wit da fishes. Ayyy!"

"Why are you talking like a goombah stereotype all the sudden?" asked TiM.

Before Chistopher Walken could explain, Santa reached into his giant bag of goodies and pulled out a...
"Say Jim! Whoo! That is a bad outfit! Whoooo!"

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Re: The Passion of the Wiley

Postby anarky » Sun Oct 07, 2012 9:39 am

...sleeping bag with a fish and Mac the Alien sleeping in it!

"Seriously, ain't he adorable?" asked Sammy.

"Why do I have a sudden hankering for McDonald's?" asked TiM?

"And Coke?" asked Lavender Gay Megatron. "It's like it's chemically identically to what we drank on Lavender Gay Cybertron!"

"Them, my friend, is fighting words," said TiM.

"Yeah," said Optimus. "We only drink cold, refreshing, super-inexpensive, flavorless Senor Peep in these parts! That blatant advertisement will have to go."

"You heard 'em, Mac," said Cyborg Sammy, shaking Mac out of his stupor and shooing him out the door. No one except the omniscient third-person narrator heard him say, "You will regret this, Third Most Interesting Man in the World!! Mwah ha ha ha!!"

"This is becoming nothing more than a bunch of talking heads blabbering," said Optimus Prime. "We have to find a new way to kill me, and only Jim Lee can do it!" He transformed into his truck mode. "All aboard! And roll out!!!"

SIX YEARS LATER...

Optimus Prime drove into the desolate wilds that had once been Seattle. It had been months since Cyborg Sammy had sacrificed himself to save the world from a real-life game of Angry Birds between Unicron and Galactus, but, still, nothing grew in this place that had seen the first invasion of that short but devastated war. Luckily, his mind had been transferred into Lavender Gay Megatron and manifested itself whenever Lavender Gay Megatron transformed into his new Lavender (But Not Gay) Unicorn alt-form.

"They tell us the man is here who can find us that roomful of tight pussy," said TiM.

"I thought we were looking for someone who could kill me off!" said Prime. "Did we get our quests confused for six whole years? Because, dude, that's longer than ALF was on!"

"No," said the Ghost of Kurt Vonnegut, "for those men are one and the same. Don't you remember the Oracle of Delphi told us this at the truck stop last week?"

"Oh yeah. This skipping ahead business kinda makes things tough to remember without unnecessary exposition."

"There he is," said Christopher Walken.

"You mean behind Rob Liefeld?" asked Velociraptor Freddie.

"No, he is Rob Liefeld."

"Hey, I bought some extra hot dogs. Want one?" asked Liefeld. "And then I can tell you about how that roomful of tight pussy is no longer of any use to you ever since I deflowered...
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Re: The Passion of the Wiley

Postby Zaphod » Sun Oct 07, 2012 9:40 am

mitt romney!!!"

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Re: The Passion of the Wiley

Postby Ran » Sun Oct 07, 2012 10:15 am

Just then, there is a knock on the door. It is large purple robot wearing a Mitt Romney mask. "The only way you can deflower Mitt Romney is if you bought that chain of florists he owned."

Christopher Walken asks, "Who is that?"

Lavender Gay Megatron says, "That's Lavender Gay Shockwave, my purple headed, one-eyed warrior. He is here to....

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Re: The Passion of the Wiley

Postby anarky » Sun Oct 07, 2012 10:39 am

Oprah."

"So you know what that means?" asked Optimus.

"Of course! Doesn't everyone?" asked Lavender Gay Megatron.
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Re: The Passion of the Wiley

Postby Tom Foolery » Sat Jun 22, 2013 11:47 pm

"As a matter of fact, we do not" replied Optimus "But I suspect it is merely a ruse to keep us all misguided about your true intentions..."

"Shit." said Lavender Gay Megatron "I was hoping you wouldn't figure that out for a few more pages at least. But the truth is someone has figured out the Ghost of Kurt Vonnegut would make an excellent power source for their interstellar spacecraft. And we have to stop that person from getting Kurt."

"Holy tainted grass fed cow balls!" screamed TiM "Who wants to turn Kurt into spaceship gojuice??"

Just then the door dramatically swung open.

"I do!" said
"No Tom Foolery today, Ron. I'm tired of looking at your dreadful, speckled mug."
"Why do you hurt me in this way, Harry?"
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anarky
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Re: The Passion of the Wiley

Postby anarky » Sun Jun 23, 2013 12:19 am

Deadpool.

"We didn't even see him there!" said Optimus Prime.

"That's because I was hiding behind Boba Fett this whole time. Boba and I are here to...
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Tom Foolery
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Re: The Passion of the Wiley

Postby Tom Foolery » Sun Jun 23, 2013 12:51 am

...travel to that new one-climate planet--er--System in the upcoming Star Wars Episode VII film." said Deadpool. "They may or may not have chimichangas. And I aim to find out! Which is why we need Kurt Vonnegut's Ghost. To fuel the Slave VI!!! Fett's awesome new EU fanfic spaceship!"

"Slash fanfic?" asked Lavender Megatron. Hopefully.

"Ew. Gross. No, dude." replied Deadpool "And can you stop transforming between your pink robot mode and that horrible alt Unicron mode? It'd be fine if you were using the Classic G1 cartoon sounds, but you're using the shitty Bay sound and it's pissing me the eff off. Stop it."

"Aieee! Dios Mio!" screamed Velociraptor Freddy "Chimichangas give me the vicious turtles. I cannae go with you!"

"Who said you were invited?" asked a perturbed Deadpool "Ain't none of you invited. We just need Vonnegut and we'll be out of your hair. Or whatever it is Lavender Gay Robots have in lieu of hirsutiness"

"We can't let you have the Ghost of Kurt Vonnegut" said Optimus "But instead how about if..."
"No Tom Foolery today, Ron. I'm tired of looking at your dreadful, speckled mug."
"Why do you hurt me in this way, Harry?"
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